Dave calls it the "yabbits".  You know, when someone says something you don't agree with, and you come back with "Yeah, but..." and then proceed to state your case.  Or, could that just be me?  I think not.  In fact, I know not.  A couple of years ago, I talked in one of my blogs about the initiative our priest was trying at our Episcopal church, called "For God's Sake, Listen!" The premise was that we would gather together in groups of 5 or so people and read a bit of information about a topic (we started out with something mundane like types of coffee, something about which I had no care, to be quite honest).  Then we would proceed to talk about the topic, stating our views about it.  The caveat was each person had one minute, uninterrupted, to share their thoughts.  The next person (we just went around the circle) would not reply to the previous comments but would instead just simply state their own opinion.  After everyone had their "minute" to share, we would then start the discussion.  There were some interesting things I noticed about this protocol:

• Some people simply didn't have an opinion and, in absence of the ability to "argue" for the sake of arguing, had nothing to say
• Some people had very strong opinions but "ran out of steam" well before their minute was up
• Some people nodded while listening, while others started to shake their heads, non-verbally already disagreeing with the speaker

The running out of steam phenomenon really captured my attention. I had to really consider what created this reaction.  After pondering and talking about it with Rev. Debra, I think I came  to a conclusion:  without someone to spar with, people often lost their desire to prattle on incessantly.  In other words, some people may need some fodder with which to simply argue instead of simply stating what they actually believe.  Doesn't this reek a bit of wanting to BE right instead of simply having a conversation?  
Dave and I have now been married for over 29 years. I have said before that we hold many different views about many different topics, some political, some not.  Politically, we have often "canceled out" the other person's vote, joking that it made no sense to even go vote. But of course it does make sense, as it is our right and  civic duty to cast our vote for what we believe, right?  
What is not right, in my humble opinion, is to call each other names for what another person believes.  This bugs me on so many levels, most of which stem from my belief that life would be pretty darn boring if we all agreed with each other.  I think of Stepford Wives, in which the characters simply do what is expected of them despite their opinions that must stay hidden for some unknown reason.  One thing Dave and I have learned to do is to try to avoid the "Yabbits" or responding against the other person's thoughts before we give the other person a chance to simply state what they believe and why they believe it.  In the past few years, we have somehow adopted the practice of saying "You might be right about that" even if we don't agree, because as we all know, nobody has ALL the facts on most subjects, and much of what we see and hear in the news or social media is subject to interpretation....thus forming our opinions.  We also always try to listen to the other person without interrupting their train of thought.  When we do that, it seems that the volume of our conversation doesn't rise to a very high decibel level, as there is no need to raise your voice if the other person is not arguing with you or saying, "Yeah, but...".  
I've been listening to Matthew McConaughey's Greenlights (2020) the last few weeks when I run.  I love hearing him tell stories about growing up in Texas, but the thing that has most recently struck me as important is his story that he tells about being with two African tribesmen in a "nightclub" of sorts.  He describes how a lady of the evening strolls through the establishment, and one of the men says something about her doing something wrong and immoral.  The other man listens then says he believes she has a right to do whatever she wants.  McConaughey describes how he thought about what both had said then weighed in, agreeing that what the first man said was "right".  The man with whom he had agreed immediately turns on him, saying, "It is not about who is right! It is about 'do you understand?'" What a concept!  Imagine if all the people who post provocative statements on Facebook (seemingly trying to prove their "right-ness") simply had conversations with others in an effort to understand others' views and to have their own understood?  Stephen Covey (2004) thought this concept was important enough to make it one of the seven habits that would make people "highly effective".  The habit is named "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  In other words, what is most important is not that we are understood but that we understand the points of view of others before imposing our own or bashing others' views.  I have often quipped, "Do we want to BE right or do we want to make it alright?" I jokingly say my former answer would have been, "Can't I have it both ways?" But after further contemplation (and maybe a bit of wisdom with age and experience), I've realized that no matter how right I am in my "rightness", I'm not likely to change someone's opinion, especially if I steamroll over them with my own opinion.  What is more important, however, to keeping solid relationships, I believe, is the ability to understand that people are going to have their own beliefs and opinions, and I can choose to accept those as the thoughts of that person or I can bang my head against a wall trying to get them to believe the same way I do (which is likely never going to happen).  Since when has someone who is name-calling, gnashing their teeth, using foul language and overall acting like a toddler having a tantrum ever made you say, "You know what?  You must be right about that. I am changing my opinion on that topic since you seem to be so passionate about it" ?  Ummm....I'm guessing the answer is a resounding "NEVER".  Instead, what if we listen to another state their opinion for a full minute without interruption (you'll be surprised to see how long that feels to the speaker, by the way), then take our own minute to state our own view without arguing against the other person's view?  That is my challenge to each of you --- and to myself as well--- for the next few weeks.  Ready to take the plunge, or should we argue about it?  

Happy Communicating!

Shelly
Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Restoring the character ethic ([Rev. ed.].). Free Press.
McConaughey, M. (2020). Greenlights.

     Dave taught me this years ago. I would often get frustrated with businesses who I felt like should read my mind.  I would go in and complain to a business for messing up an order.  Dave began asking me, "What do you want? Whatever you want, you should ask for it."  Hmmm....what a novel idea.  
So, I think I began learning a really good lesson.  Ask! And, even better yet, ask nicely.  Now that really is a novel idea, apparently, if you watch people up at the airline gates speaking to gate agents.  I witness people yelling at those poor gate agents or even at flight attendants (about a flight that is going to get in late) for the potential of missing connecting flights (as if the flight attendants could make the plane go any faster!).   
     Speaking of flights, I am traveling for work this week.  I had booked my flights a couple of months ago.  Apparently, my bozo move was that I booked one of the flights a day too early (actually, the day I will be working with a school district)----oops! I just realized that yesterday.  I decided to call and see what we could do to get the flight moved forward a day.  The agent I spoke with said, "You can, but it will add $1000 to your cost."  WHAT???!  I almost screamed that to her.  Instead, I said, "I am truly a loyal customer.  I'm hopeful you can take pity on my idiocy and find out if we can get that change done without charge."  She said, "Let me go check with our pricing department" and off she went. Five minutes later, she came back and told me it was all done with no charge. She asked me to refresh my application and see if it was good.  I looked, and I joked with her, "Oh wait, it looks like I am going to Jamaica now."  She said, "Oh no, wait!" and then I said, "Just kidding...it's all good."  She started cracking up, and we both laughed, and then I said, "You are a rockstar! I would send you to Jamaica if I could".  She was so grateful she could help, and I was certainly grateful for her help.  
     When we went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago, one of the places we stayed was absolutely beautiful.  It also had a couple of issues, such as a non-working microwave and a sliding screen door that did not slide.  We reported the issues to the management company that, by the way, did nothing to help out ("We'll try to get someone out there in two or three days"---we were only there a week).  I emailed the lady who owned the property, and I simply told her that her place was just lovely but we were having troubles getting the management company to help us out.  We asked if she might be able to help us coordinate with them, and she did so much more than that.  She refunded a bunch of money to us and apologized profusely for their negligence. 
     I think I have realized how much people appreciate customers being kind.  Simply asking instead of griping is the difference that it takes to sometimes get exactly what you want...and more! Instead of being resentful, we end up being pleasantly surprised many times.  Thanks, Dave, for your words of wisdom that help me not only get better things in life but they make me BE better in my life. 
     I am going to go ask Dave (nicely, of course) if he will scratch my back where I just had some stitches put in this week for a minor procedure. I am sure he will do it if I say "Pretty please".  
Happy Communicating!
Shelly
​   

     I was working with educators and educational leaders this week on the culture of trust in their schools, and one of my participants made fun of me, because I had called on her to answer a question, saying, "Jenna, I can tell you have something you want to say."  She asked me how I knew. I said, "From my vantage point, I can tell when someone has something they are mulling over or that they want to say but aren't sure whether they should say it or not. The kicker is how to make people feel like it's a safe enough environment in which to say what's on their minds."  Heads nodded, and I realized it's so similar to what I used to see in my own classrooms when I was a teacher (or when I taught character education lessons to classes as a guidance counselor or principal)----you could always tell when a student had something they wanted to say from the look in their eyes.  
     And so it goes with air travel, as well, I have found.  Have you ever watched the gate agents when you and your fellow passengers haven't yet boarded the flight, and the flight is scheduled to leave in 10 minutes (Newsflash:  it is NOT leaving in 10 minutes if this is the case)?  Just watch their eyes as they look out into the concourse---they are likely looking and waiting for a flight crew (or a member of the flight crew) to show up so they can begin boarding.  If they are looking toward the jetbridge, they are likely looking for someone to call them to tell them it is okay to start boarding the flight.  If they are looking at each other then back to the intercom, they are trying to figure out who is going to break the news to us that our plane has maintenance issues and many of us are not going to make our connecting flight in Chicago (or Atlanta or Dallas or wherever that hub is for your particular airline).  
     I love watching eyes.  Dave has only to pick up the mail key for our bank of mailboxes in our rental house neighborhood, and Kirby (our 5 year old Lab/Clumber Spaniel mix) makes eye contact with Dave to ensure that his hunch is correct---they we are, indeed, going to go for a quick walk to get the mail. I think it is so adorable.  When we had K.C. (our first Lab who we said "broke the mold" for all Labs since), Dave would look up at the ceiling, and K.C. would track his eyes, looking for what could possibly be drawing his attention to the ceiling.  It was so precious.  
     I've asked my participants in online workshops to please turn on their video cameras so we can all see each others' faces and eyes.  I don't do it for any other reason than except for the fact that I know that people are more engaged when they can see one another (the pandemic certainly pointed that out to teachers everywhere).  
      What do you see in the eyes of others?  Please share, as I would love to hear your thoughts.  
      Happy Communicating!

​Shelly

I suppose it is a bit ironic that my last post was about Red Lights and Green Lights, and today's post is about "slowing down", but there must be some lesson I am supposed to be getting that maybe I am not.  I have always said that my favorite verse is "Be still, and know that I am God".  I know for certain that God is my everything....of that, I have no doubt.  It's that whole "being still" piece with which I have always struggled a bit.  I try to do too much; I try to pile too much into one day or one vacation or one PD session I am teaching or one trip from the car. Doing too much is just one of my character defects, but I do think that God laughs at me, sometimes.  Instead of allowing me to go on and on with my doing too much, He finds a way to slow me down.  
We are in the midst of building our dream home, which is really great fun and also a bit nerve-racking, as we hurry up to pick out appliances only to find that our garage doors are on back order.  We hurry up to find the right counter surfaces only to find out that the windows we chose are on a 14 week delay.  Am I grateful we even have the opportunity to build this amazing home?  Of course.  And yet...we simply have to slow down, sometimes.
We made plans to take Dave's sister, Linda, to Hawaii since she had never been.  We have all been looking forward to the trip. We left Texas to fly to Phoenix for one night, where I did some professional development for Grand Canyon University, before we would leave the next morning for Kaua'i.  As we were deplaning in Phoenix, my right foot was planted in the aisle of the airplane and I turned back to grab my carry on bag from the seat.  I turned my right knee and heard and felt a pretty loud "pop".  Flashbacks from 2002 when I tore my ACL in my left knee and felt that same popping sound just in a different spot on a different knee.  We waited to see what would happen (plus, I had to rush to go conduct my training from our hotel room all that afternoon), and every time I turned wrong, my right knee felt like it was going to buckle underneath me.  On Kaua'i, we went to an Urgent Care to have it checked out.  The diagnosis?  I strained (not tore, for now, thank goodness!) my lateral colateral ligament in my right knee.  Running is not in my future for a few weeks, and I am instead wearing a brace in order to feel some stability.  Slooooooowwwwww down, Shelly. Well, now, I don't have a choice. I am planning to spend the next several days in Hawaii, reading and hanging out on our patio, by the pool, and on the beach.  Yes, we're doing some sightseeing; yes, I am doing some walking; yes, I will enjoy the scenery, but the main goal is simply to slow down and heal.  Maybe someday, I can learn some lessons the easier, softer way instead of being pummeled over the head with them.  In the meantime....in the words of my dear friend, Cid Smith, "life sucketh not".  
​

     What is up with cancer???? So many of our dear friends and family members have been dealing with cancer, lately.  I am amazed when I see the strength, faithfulness, humor and peace with which these folks are dealing with such tough cards.  It has been 6 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I can still be catapulted back in time to the fear, anxiety, worry, and stress of that time.  It was truly through prayer that the miracle of serenity would wash over me; that, and the hugs and love from Dave and all our friends and family who lifted us up.  As I watch others go through their own journey, I am in awe of how we all just take one step forward, one at a time, because, in all honesty, what else can we do?  
     Today's sermon in church was on healing----how Jesus healed a 12 year old girl who had been proclaimed "dead".  I kept hearing the words "Great is our faithfulness" as Father Brian spoke.  That song wasn't even one of the songs we sang in church today, but I kept hearing it and feeling it.  When my mother was dying in July of 2005, K.C. (our first Lab and on whose life I based my very first book called "Letting Go of K.C.") and I sat by her side as she slipped out of consciousness then to death.  After the coroner had taken her body away (Dave helped so much with that, while Peaches, who was Mother's dog, and I went to a back room to wait), K.C. and I drove home while Dave drove the other car home.   When I turned on the car, the Christian radio station was playing Natalie Grant's song "Held" .  I had never heard that song before, but the words were so very perfect.  
     "Who told us we'd be rescued?  What has changed and why should we be saved from      nightmares?  We're asking why this happened to us who have died to live.  It's unfair.  This is what it means to be held; how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.  This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."  
     Click on the title of the song if you want to hear Natalie sing it---it's pretty incredible.  How did God know I needed to hear that song in that precise moment of losing my mom?  Ummm....because He is God, and I am not?  I have a sneaking suspicion that's probably the reason.  
     I have had some major disappointments in my life----needing to turn down an amazing job because the timing wasn't right; not getting a job for which I thought I was perfectly suited; dealing with adversity with work; having one of my students be disrespectful to me, etc. etc. But you know what?  (you probably do, by the way) None of that matters in the whole scheme of things, and it pales in comparison to the gratitude I feel for life and for all those in my life whom I love so very dearly.  Yes, in the heat of the moment, that bad news is not at all fun and does not feel "fair", but I have heard it said (and so I have stolen it and say it all the time) that if a bunch of us were sitting around a table and we all threw our troubles into the center of the table, I would take my own back without hesitation.  Why?  Because they make up who I am!  I didn't miss out on the job because I didn't pray hard enough; Kelly and Lisa didn't get cancer because they weren't faithful enough; my brother-in-law didn't pass away two days before Christmas because we all didn't get down on our knees often enough.  Life deals us some crummy cards, sometimes.  But I know this much is true:  if I am feeling like God has deserted me, it most certainly is not Him who did the moving---I'm the one who moved away from His healing hands that are always outstretched when I want to be "held".  
     Just for today, whatever you are going through, please know that I am praying for you (especially if you tell me what you are going through), but I am likely not going to pray for your ailment to go away or for your spouse to be resurrected, etc.  I am going to be praying for your peace and serenity while you go through what you were going to go through anyway.

Now, if I could only teach L.C. to heel, I would be healed.  :)

Happy Communicating,

​Shelly

Do you want to hear what people are saying about you?  
​Wow, this is a tough one, isn't? On one hand, we want confirmation that we are on the right path, that we are doing the right things, that we are saying the right things, etc.  On the other hand, feedback can sometimes be tough to take.  If, for example, it is unexpected or unsolicited or even disconcerting, it can be a little painful to take. 
What about not getting that job that you wanted?
What about having a significant other leave you?
What about a friend losing touch with you?

When I was a principal in Florida, we conducted "climate surveys" every year.  Parents would fill out surveys on how well they felt we were doing as a school---questions pertaining to academics, how the front office staff made them feel, how they felt their children were treated by the staff, how they felt I was doing as a school leader, etc. Of course, we wanted, hoped, and prayed that 100% of our parents would feel like we were doing a 100% job well done.  But that isn't life, is it?  It is a universal truth, I believe, that many people who fill out surveys only do so when they are disgruntled.  Have you done the same thing?  If everything was great with customer service at an establishment, you ignore the request to fill out the feedback form. But by golly, if you had a problem, that company is going to hear about it.  Blessedly, our climate surveys showed that our parents were almost always very satisfied with what was going on at our elementary school.  We typically received about a 60 - 75% response rate (which is what you expect, even if you invite people to a wedding or party) and the satisfaction, overall, with our performance was always in the upper 90th percentile.  Amazing, right?  We certainly felt so.  However, I would obsess on the few that we would get back that wrote comments about feeling I was unapproachable ("What?! Everyone approaches me! How can you say that?!" I would think to myself), feeling the teachers gave too much homework ("Who does that? They are almost always quite cognizant of the limitations of work at home!"), feeling someone in the front office was curt ("What?! We have the best office staff EVER!"), and on and on it would go.  The problem was that I was focusing on about 10 surveys out of about 250 - 300 that were filled out.  Such is my obsession.

Fast forward to today, when I now do professional learning for teachers, administrators, and university faculty around the world, along with teaching graduate and doctoral classes for different universities.  All of the participants/attendees/students are asked to fill out an evaluation at the end of our time together (whether that is for 3 hours or a semester).  I am quite pleased to say that, typically, about 90 - 95% of the feedback is overwhelmingly positive.  Unfortunately, I hyper-focus on the 5%  (or even the ONE person) who say(s) anything negative. In one workshop I taught a few years ago, the one negative comment was, "You should serve Starbucks coffee instead of the stuff that was served."  Ummm....I don't make the coffee; the catering staff did, and what in the name of Labrador love do I have to do with the coffee? I am here to teach!  Along the same lines, I had a graduate student who wrote, "Dr. Arneson grades like she is married to the rubrics."  Ummm...did you miss the wedding announcement?  Wait what?  Married to the rubrics? No.  But do I follow them pretty explicitly when I grade?  Yes, and you should, too, if you teach. 

Fast forward even further to this week, when most of my workshop participants answered "agree" or "strongly agree" to every question asked on the evaluation form.  But one commented, "The presenter talks a lot".  You caught me.  I do.  This one hit home, and I will admit that is one of my growth areas---filling in space with words, even when silence is perfectly acceptable.  I tell what I think are funny one-liners that go along with the content, but not everyone wants to hear that. While two people stayed after one of my workshops to tell me that they appreciate (in a workshop that was 3 hours long and late in the afternoon/evening) how my sense of humor and my silly jokes kept them engaged the whole time, apparently I am not everyone's cup of tea, and some people would rather me simply press forward with the workshop content than to make a joke or embellish on a point I'm making with a specific anecdote or example.  
​
Let's review:  90% are completed satisfied, with even a few raving about how much they learned and how it energized their practice; one said I talk a lot.  What do I obsess on? The one! It reminds me of when I was a principal and read that the 5% of problems take up 95% of our time.  But that, my friends, is a choice.  I can choose to focus on the one or two comments that don't rave about my hard work, or I can file those comments in the back of my head (maybe even keeping it in mind when next I present as something to note) and rest my head easily on my pillow at night at the knowledge of a job well done (by myself but also particularly by the participants themselves).  

Feedback is important; of that, there is no doubt.  How do you take it in?  How do you process it?  In what ways do you allow it to grow your practice? In what ways do you keep from obsessing over it? There is a great saying that goes, "I'm an egomaniac with an inferiority complex", and I think this is so true for me, at times. I either am confident I can do something or I don't believe I can do it at all.  Finding that accurate balance is the great goal in my life.  
I hope and pray that you are able to find it as well.

Happy Communicating,

Shelly
​

I am in the midst of creating a graduate class I haven't taught before (or, I should accurately say, it has changed quite a bit since I taught it last).  At first, when I saw the magnitude of the changes, I was grumbling a little bit.  More work, I thought.  I have to start over, I thought. I have a new book and new articles I have to read, I thought.  The current situation is that Dave and I are on "family vacation" with our two Labs, L.C. (Elsie) and Kirby (Kirby) in Ruidoso, New Mexico (where it is typically about 30 degrees cooler than it was when we lived in Tucson and is about 100% drier than it currently is in Texas).  I have thought to myself that I shouldn't have to put in so much work while on vacation. But then Dave reminded me, "You live for this stuff.  You read educational books for fun. Why would you complain about that?" I dislike it immensely when he is right, but sure enough....he is exactly right.  I am video-recording welcome announcements, using memes to enhance my discussion posts, and generally refreshing this course that was becoming a bit outdated anyway.  

Renewal is good for us, whether it is spiritual, educational, or simply life renewal.  Coming back to center or stepping outside our comfort zone can be good for the soul.  In other words, change is good.  After being a principal, which I considered to be the best job in the entire world, for almost 8 years, I resigned when Dave and I moved to Tucson almost 9 years ago.  Since then, I have been doing educational consulting for schools, districts, and universities; working as a professor/doctoral chair at four different universities; writing articles and books; and so much more.  I love every piece of everything I do.  Do I miss being a principal? Some days I miss it with every fiber of my being. But I also have had many educational leaders tell me that, while I may very well miss having my own "family" of the elementary school at which I worked, I now have the honor and privilege of being able to watch good teaching and leadership occur all around the world and spread those great ideas I see and hear with the next schools I visit.  I accept that challenge and welcome every new opportunity with tremendous gratitude.

Renewal in life is good for the soul, I think.  While on vacation, we are taking L.C. and Kirby on hikes each morning.  L.C. is our 1 year old yellow Lab athlete.  She runs up and down the pine-laden canyons, doubling or tripling the amount of miles Dave and I hike.  Every day is a new adventure for her, and she loves it!  Kirby sticks pretty close to us but he enjoys his own journey, pausing frequently to sniff at new smells and leaving his business card at every few trees or bushes we pass.  They get it, I think.  They get the notion of embracing every new adventure life brings them with their own form of gratitude (sometimes consisting of a quick and quite cool shake-off after they traipse through a cool field or stream----good for them; not so great for us).  

I hope and pray that you find your own sense of renewal in whatever form it may come.

Happy Communicating,

​Shelly

My graduate students and I were talking about communication misunderstandings the other day----ones between administrators and teachers; between teachers and students; between teachers and parents; even between partners in a marriage; you get the idea.  We talked about how easy it is to get into a communication vortex, but how hard it is to get out of it.  We concluded (as did my research on trust between teachers and school leaders in my dissertation) that it comes down to how strong the relationship is between the two people, whether it is something that can be solved or will fester even further.  I thought I would start an advice column for communication issues.  Here is a sampling of some questions and answers that might go in the first edition. 

Dear Communication Concierge:
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years.  I love everything about him, but there is one thing that drives me crazy.  He leaves dishes out on the counter after eating a bowl of cereal at night or drinking a glass of milk.  What should I do?  
Signed, 
Love My Husband Except...

Dear "Love My Husband Except",
Run for the hills!  You've married a crazy person! If you insist on staying with him, you will need to be strongly medicated the rest of your life.  

Just kidding. That isn't how I would respond. Instead, I would respond with something like:

How, exactly, is this dish impacting your life?  Is it growing legs and following you around the house?  Is it screaming out to you?  If the answer to the last two questions is "no", then forget about it! Your husband whom you love "everything about, but" will put the dish away when it is time to start the dishwasher.  Until then, please remember that the "but" really negates how much you care about him.  Is such a little thing worth nagging your husband about?  Does it go against your marriage vows?  Very likely not.  Keep the marriage strong and let go of the little things.  
Signed,
Communication Concierge

Dear Communication Concierge:
I am a 3rd grade teacher in an elementary school.  There are five other people on my grade level.  We plan together every week, which is great, right?  I think so, too, but the problem is I've been teaching the longest time, so they should be listening to the wisdom I possess and plan the way I plan.  They keep coming up with other ideas, though, and it makes me mad.  What should I say to them?  
​Signed, 
More Experienced than Most

Dear "More Experienced than Most",
Quit your job now! Ask for a transfer! There is nothing worse than not being listened to, and you should likely not only be grade level chair; you should probably be Commissioner of Education in your state.  
  
Once again, just kidding. That response is the antithesis of what this teacher needs to hear. Instead, I would respond with something along the lines of:

What a treasure trove of information and experience it sounds like you have.  What a blessing, too, to have five other people with whom you can share ideas.  You see, they may not have the years of experience that you possess. On the other hand, they have the benefit of coming out of college with fresh ideas, and everyone can use a fresh idea or two!  You might begin by going to your next grade level meeting with a fresh new idea of your own---something you have found on the myriad of teacher websites that are at the tips of our fingers.  You might share your idea, then allow them the space to share theirs without rebuttal or rebuke.  You will likely find your excitement in planning and execution of lessons will increase rapidly. 
Signed,
Communication Concierge

Dear Communication Concierge:
I am a principal at a high school. I've been here for 10 years, and things have changed dramatically in education over the last few years.  No matter what, though, I always have been very good at giving my teachers advice on how they can improve their lessons.  I observe them teach, then I give them feedback on what they should do differently in their teaching.  This is all meant to help them, of course, but they don't seem to appreciate it.  I'm frustrated with their lack of gratitude for all I tell them.  
​Signed, 
Why Don't They Just Listen to Me?

Dear Why Don't They Just Listen to Me?,
Are you insane?  Hasn't anyone ever told you that you have two ears and one mouth for a reason?? How about using those two ears to listen to your teachers talk about their teaching instead of spouting off about what YOU think they should do?? Better yet, why don't you turn in those retirement papers your Superintendent likely keeps sending you?   
  
For the last time, that may be what I want to say to them. Instead, maybe I can try this on for size:

Your years in education have very likely seen you through teachers who come and go through your building.  What we know about communication between teachers and administrators is this:  if we want to encourage teachers the room to grow in their practice, they must be allowed to think through their own thoughts about the patterns they are seeing in their teaching.  The evidence of teaching practices you observe when watching them teach allows them to make some comparisons (i.e. How did these lesson outcomes compare to what you originally had planned?), notice some repeated patterns (i.e. What are your noticings about the transitions between activities?), and so much more.  The main thing to remember is that the learner (in this case, the teacher) needs to be the one doing the thinking and bulk of the talking in order to construct meaning in the conversation and, therefore, come up with some new ideas or validate some previously held ideas about their own teaching.  Talking at people seems to not be as effective as allowing them to draw some of their own conclusions when presented with data from an observation.  
Signed,
Communication Concierge

While not perfect, perhaps, these situations might allow us to see situations through a different lens.  In lieu of a Magic 8 Ball answer such as "Cannot predict now", we are very likely to find that heeding the advice of Communication Concierge might just change the trajectory of many of our relationships with others and eliminate misunderstandings and verbal roadblocks.

I'd love to hear your own example of a misunderstanding you've had with another person and how you resolved it.  Who knows?  Maybe Communication Concierge can assist if you are still struggling.  

Happy Communicating!!

​Shelly

For the last week, it has rained...and rained...and rained.  Dave has looked at me a couple of times like he was ready to leave me in Texas and move back to Arizona where we felt we always had sun.  Even as we design our new home, Dave and Scott (our builder) have to rein me in on how many windows and glass doors I want in our house.  I keep saying, "I promise I won't throw stones. Just make the house all glass!"  But the last week has truly tested our ability to withstand stormclouds, rainy days that pour down torrential rain only to stop for five minutes and start again even harder. The thunder and lightning have freaked out the dogs and have frankly made us all stir crazy.  Then this morning, we awoke to birds chirping and a glorious sunrise.  We had plans with Denise and Mike (our dearest friends in the area and my best friend from high school) today for going to show them our cleared lot (and the stunning forever view it is going to provide) for our house in Bandera (cowboy capital of the world, in case this has somehow escaped your radar), then on to Camp Verde (which lived up to its name with the verdant green grass sloping down to the Verde River), where we had lunch outside on a sun-soaked patio, followed by 9 holes of golf in Comfort, Texas, which gave us multiple opportunities to laugh for hours. 

Maybe it was just all so beautiful because we appreciated it after having so much rain.  Even a glint of sunlight after days of rainshowers maybe becomes more appreciated than taking every sunny day in Tucson for granted. It all reminded me of my fervent love for Nichole Nordeman's song, "Sunrise".  Take a listen if you haven't heard it (or haven't heard it, lately).  I pray it's the balm that will soothe your troubled soul.  

So many of my family and friends have been dealing with troubled times lately.  It is difficult to watch, as we have certainly experienced those troubling times ourselves.  Between dear friends diagnosed with cancer, others losing loved ones, planning the memorial/burial service for our dear brother-in-law, hearing about friends going through a divorce, watching friends watch their parents prepare for the end of their lives, seeing heartbreaking strife between family members, we are seeing so very many thunderstorms. But we have to remind ourselves of a time almost exactly six years ago when I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer.  We were devastated, of course, and we had to begin living one day at a time and even one hour at a time, as we weren't sure what the next doctor would tell us.  But, six years later, we are on the sunshine side of that devastating storm that threatened our lives together.  How did we do it?  A whole lot of prayer, a huge reliance on our collective sense of humor, and reliance on family and friends to help when it was offered.  

This morning, as I ran through the countryside in the hill country of Texas, where the wildflowers are in full bloom, the cows were lounging in the middle of a most beautiful meadow of the greenest of green grasses, and the deer were leaping over fences, showing off their dexterity, I ran just a little bit faster than I had the week before. Why? Because the sun does come out.  Rays of light are everywhere....in my morning meditation that I share with three of my spiritual buddies; in the raunchy comedian/writer who I am listening to on Audible as I run; we are finding time to drive through the countryside of this great state that we haven't called home since the year after we got married; we are surrounded by dear friends and closer to family than we have EVER lived in our married life.  We are blessed...and the sun has come out to remind us that after the long week of rain, we can appreciate the sun even more...if we just open our eyes, breathe in the fresh air, and listen to the birds welcoming the rooster crowing at the nearby farm.  

God is good...all the time. 
What is your sunshine?  For today, I pray that you know that the rain you might be experiencing will end and the clouds will part, the sun will come out, and you will appreciate the light as though you haven't seen it for years.  

Happy Communicating, friends,

Shelly
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