As the Beatles sang in 1964, money can't buy you love (Can't Buy Me Love). Take a listen by clicking on that link if you want to get happy.  What do you think of that statement? It sure doesn't keep people from trying, does it?  What about the people who have been marginalized or stuck in poverty their entire lives? Wouldn't some money buy them some happiness if they had a place to live and the knowledge that they will have food on their table, assuming they have a table? 
     Read a little bit about Maslow's Hierarchy of Basic Needs, and you will most certainly find that, without safety, food, and shelter, there is little likelihood that someone will be able to find any self-worth, self-esteem, or, most certainly, any self-actualization.  I have a friend who talks about living out of her car for about a year, and she said she was just grateful to have a car.             Most of us can't even imagine living in such a state in which we don't know from where our next meal might come.  So, for people in poverty like that, having some money would most certainly allow for the ability to focus on a bit of happiness and a lot less fear.  
     We've all, most likely, heard of studies about money and happiness.  Most of those studies show that money doesn't actually do the job of buying happiness. One study showed that, past an annual family income of $75,000, there is a law of diminishing returns. In other words, past that, you likely don't get any happier if you make $300,000 than if you make 1/3 of that (hush---I know the math isn't exact----it wasn't meant to be a word problem----don't judge). But $75,000 is a world away from what people who are homeless or living in the abject poverty are likely experiencing.  
     What about those of us who might not have bought the ticket in Chicago that just made someone a billionaire last night in the Mega Millions jackpot? Are you unhappy about not winning?  Is that person going to be happier? I would bet a good bit (not that it would make me happier if I won the bet....just sayin') that the person is extremely elated today. But, I mean that is just "stupid money", as Dave calls it, as it is money that we can't even fathom ever needing or having enough wants to spend it on. But we've also all heard of those lottery winners who squander their winnings and actually end up in debt.  That doesn't sound very cheery to me.
     So, what is it that makes you happy? For me, it is my loved ones (in addition to my serenity and spirituality, which, for me, go without saying).  Dave and I have been traveling with the pups this week, and we had the chance to go back to Florida, where we lived for 17 years. We visited with friends who Dave worked with; friends I worked with; and other friends who we spent a lot of time with (some we called our AKC club ---- All Kids Canine----as none of us had human children). 
     Our main purpose was to visit with one of my dearest friends (truly my soul sister) on the planet to talk about life and death as she traverses one of the toughest journeys any one of us could ever face (have I mentioned how much I hate cancer with a passion?).  She and I got to hug and love on each other and talk about what comes next. Kelly is someone with whom I worked and who made work a place of laughter----I mean, laugh out loud, from the belly, laughter-----with just a look or a quip. 
     We spent one entire evening catching up with work and play friends. Lance, who was the PE teacher when I was the principal at Edge Elementary School, and I got to talk about how much fun working together on the bus ramp was. He happens to be one of the people that so added to the culture of the best elementary school in the world (it's not biased if it's true, right?) by his mere presence and sense of camaraderie.  We still text each other silly jokes, and it's been 10 years since I resigned.
     One of my former co-workers (I truly did feel we were all working together, despite me having the title of principal) told me she loved that I told her I loved her about 6 times in the approximately 2 hours we spent together.  I told the teachers with whom I worked that I brag about them all the time when I am teaching educators and educational leaders (I tell them about how Jil used the death of a little boy's grandmother as an example of how a character in a story felt and had her students write on whiteboards a feeling word the student likely felt; I tell them about how Brandi talked to her students like they were her own children; I tell them about how Jenny used puppets to help her teach certain Kinder concepts; I tell them about how Angelle was likely the world's best Writer's Workshop facilitator; I tell them about how Shelley used hula-hoops to teach her 5th graders about Venn diagrams; and I tell them about how the person most people would have called "my secretary", Cindy, has become like a big sister to me. She and her hubby are who Dave and I (and the pups) stayed with while we were there, and she is likely one of the biggest confidantes I've ever had in my life.  If something ever happens to Dave, she will very likely be one of the first people next to me, helping me with anything and everything that needs to be done. These are "my people", and they make me happy.  
     Have I ever mentioned that I am a textbook introvert? Despite being extremely passionate about presenting workshops, keynotes, webinars, and classes for people all over the world  about education and cultures of trust in the workplace, I am a classic introvert. Most people confuse "extrovert" with being able to be around tons of people. I am "able" to be around 25 of my closest friends whom I love and adore, and I can say at the end of a day of teaching, "That was the best day ever" because we laughed and joked so much, but I still am an introvert. Why? Being an introvert or extrovert is about from where we derive our energy, not where we expend it.  I derive my energy from sitting on the porch of the mountain "cabin" of one of my dearest friends from college (thank you, Cid), reading a book, sitting and listening to the wind as it rustles the leaves, or hearing the sound of the Blue Ridge train as it choo-choos through the mountains.  Being alone or with one other person (Dave or another one of "my people") gives me just the energy needed to be revved up and ready to teach in a couple of weeks in Nebraska, then virtually, then in Wyoming----all in one week. 
     And that, my friends, is what makes me happy.  The temporary trappings of this world are pretty darn tempting, for sure, and I get caught up in that more frequently than I would like to admit to you. However, the feeling of my heart growing two sizes when able to spend quality time with my quality people is a feeling that is second to none.  
     What makes you happy? I would love to hear your happiness generators, if you would be willing to share.  In the meantime, I pray you are with people you love and doing what you love to do and were not counting on winning the Mega Millions in order to become happy.

Happy Communicating,

​Shelly

I admit there is a bit of irony in me writing a blog about asking for help, as I am historically challenged in this area of my life.  However, I also believe we, as writers, are often drawn to subjects about which we need the most help. So, here goes.
"You can't always get what you want", crooned the Rolling Stones, "but you get what you need" (You can click on the band's name if you need a refresher of the song).  I think this is so true in so many aspects of my own life, and perhaps yours as well. 
     Notably, I have changed my tune about prayer in the last few decades. I used to pray for sick friends to get healthy; I used to pray that God would get me out of a sticky situation; I used to pray for worldly things.  That first one is likely to stir up a bit of controversy (what doesn't, these days, so I might as well go for it, right?), as many people do this in their daily prayer life----pray for the sick to get well.  Here is my reasoning behind not doing that. When we pray for people to get well, then they die, does that mean we didn't do a good enough job praying?  If the person does get well, and we say "They beat cancer", did they have better prayers for them?  And what does that say about all the people who passed away from cancer?  Their prayer partners weren't close enough to God?  They weren't spiritually strong enough to "beat cancer"? I actually think that is a pile of bologna (it really would sound better if we spelled it the way it sounds, wouldn't it?).
     So, what do I do, instead?  I always pray for peace and serenity for the person or family while they traverse whatever is going on in their lives, because they are going to live or die depending on whether God needs them here on earth or by His side (that's my belief, anyway; you have your own, I know).  I just don't believe that anything happens by accident. I do believe we have free will, but I also believe that no matter how great our prayer warriors are or how "strongly" I try to fight cancer, I may still die, and that is not the fault of my prayer warriors' or my own spiritual fitness or lack thereof.  I pray for the peace that passes all understanding as my loved ones go through whatever the journey is that is playing out in their lives.  I pray for serenity to encompass the person/family while they travel the tough spots ahead.  
     So, do I ask for God's help?  Every single solitary morning.  I get down on my knees, while I am nose-to-nose with L.C. or Kirby (or both, sometimes), and I ask God to help me let go of my own self-will and give it up to Him, because I have found over the course of my lifetime that my own thinking about what is "right" can be pretty flawed, but God's wisdom, while it might not be what I want, is exactly what is planned out for me.  That is true acceptance.  
     Despite all of that, I still have to ask for help, as so many do at times.  I have to pick up the phone and talk to a spiritual advisor when facing tough decisions, and that phone can feel like it weighs 1000 pounds at times.  I often feel like I am burdening someone with asking, when in retrospect, people who are asked typically attest to feeling even better for having been able to help someone else.  
     I was talking with my graduate students (teachers who are on the road to getting their degree in order to become principals), and many have said they don't like asking for help, but they know they need to do it, because principals simply cannot do all the work required of them by themselves.  I learned this lesson myself as a school leader.  I learned that, sometimes, by asking for help and using distributed leadership, I could build future leaders.  I learned that, sometimes, asking people to step up to a challenge was exactly what they needed in the first place to become better in their own craft.  
     My graduate students and I have also been talking about how we can support new teachers in induction programs. Many of these beginning teachers don't even know what they don't know, so they wouldn't know what to ask for in the first place. When I asked my students what would have helped them the most when they were new to the education field, most everyone mentioned needing/wanting a mentor....someone they could go to who would never judge their seemingly stupid or naive  questions....someone who would provide resources that they think the new person needs without even being asked.  
     Dave and I will very soon celebrate 30 years of marriage together. For that, I am eternally grateful. He has taught me so much in life and love, but one of the best skills he ever taught me was about how to ask for something I needed or wanted.  If I wanted to request a room upgrade at the hotel where I was staying, he taught me to ask in a really respectful or funny way. For example, he will say, "Any chance you have the penthouse suite all ready for us?" The desk agent laughs. Dave continues, "Okay, maybe that isn't available, but might there be an upgrade in our future?"  Sometimes the answer is "yes" and sometimes it's "no" (I would go into the benefits or higher probability of the answer being a "yes" when you stick with a hotel chain out of loyalty----they will typically be loyal to you, as well, but that is a whole other blog for a whole other time), but Dave's famous last words are, "It never hurts to ask".  So very well said, my wise husband.  It never hurts to ask. 
     Whether we are ailing mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally; whether we need directions (that is likely a whole other blog, as well); whether we need some support from our friends as we navigate a post-surgery experience; whether we are new to a position and need some answers, the first step is to ASK for help.  
     I pray that you will be able to find peace and serenity today, and that, if it feels elusive, we ask for help from our Higher Power.  I would love to know what you ask for, what you need, or any stories of asking and receiving.  
Happy Communicating!!
​Shelly

"I just want some peace and quiet!!", said our mother and father, likely, when we were little girls and running around the house. 
"Let there be peace on earth" says a Christmas hymn
"Peace, man!" said many people in the 70s (....or so I've heard, anyway)
"Peace out!" says my dear girlfriend who is also an Episcopal priest
     
     Our Gospel reading in church this morning was from Galatians 6. My favorite verse talks about "Let us not grow weary of doing what is right".  Doing what is right is part of what brings me peace in my personal and professional life.  So much of the world is not peaceful right now.  People on one side of any issue seem to always be in the faces of the people on the other side of the issue...and definitely not in any sort of peaceful way.  How did Gandhi truly abide by his words "Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances"?  How did Martin Luther King, Jr. think, “World peace through nonviolent means is neither absurd nor unattainable. All other methods have failed. Thus we must begin anew"?  We can't even agree on the words in our Constitution.  

     There were 70 people who Jesus apparently told to go be peace-makers, going door to door, saying, "Peace to this house".  I got goosebumps all up and down my arms and legs when Father Brian told us, right before communion, that there were exactly 70 people in the sanctuary today.  Good grief, I suppose that is one of those God-winks that says I am called upon to be a peacemaker.  The problem is, of course, we can't give away what we don't have. This holds true for so much in our lives. Even the flight attendants on the airplane tell us this...every single flight. We have to put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others put theirs on.  The cool thing, I think, is that once we have our own peace (or oxygen mask---make your own analogy, and tell me about them because I LOVE analogies), we tend to want to help others with their own.  

     Two weeks ago, Dave and I put up a wall sticker/decal (don't even get me started on how much that process almost wrecked with my peace) that has the verse "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15).  It is on our mantel, right below the television, so our eyes are almost constantly on it.  If we are truly acting on this Biblical verse, how then can we allow our peace to be taken from us, despite the temporary worries and frustrations of this world?  Well, we do allow that to happen at times, precisely because we are human.  What gets under my skin may be totally different from what gets under yours, and I don't know about you, but I have to work daily on the ability to "get peaceful with God". I literally have to kneel down beside the bed (where I am actually nose to nose with one or both of our yellow Labs) and pray every single morning (this is not an easy feat when I am on the road, traveling for work, staying in a hotel whose carpet may or may not be the cleanest in all the land---but I do it anyway) to allow me to be an instrument of peace.  What does that mean to you? To me, it means that I need to be a voice of reason, not anger.  We simply cannot bully people into believing as we do. I know this, as I have tried it a time or two in my life.  But isn't that precisely what seems to be happening in our country the last several years?  We try so hard to get our own point across, people give up on listening to us, and we miss the opportunity to possibly meet in the middle.  We wind up losing our own peace by trying to get people to buy what we are selling. 
     I tell my graduate students who are working to become school leaders that there will be many days that they will feel as though they have to "sell" a new program to their stakeholders. I caution that instead of bullying people into something (which never works anyway), modeling the peaceful way toward change is likely the way which will work best.  
     No matter what, someone has to stay peaceful in this deluge of conflict and adversity.  In the 1989 movie "Immediate Family", Glenn Close's character is talking to the surrogate mother they have chosen to carry their baby.  She says the secret to a good marriage is "...only one person gets to be crazy at a time".  Okay, obviously, it has been a minute since that movie came out, and it happens to have been three years before I would marry Dave. However, that quote has stuck with me since I heard it, and I totally believe it.  It's that way with peace. If someone in my life is not acting peacefully, I have no business wreaking more havoc until both of us are in a state of chaos.  
     So, where does your peace come from?  Some might say:  church, God, their own Higher Power, marriage, love for children, work, prayer, being in nature, spiritual sayings, reading, gardening, and the list would go on and on.  All of those besides gardening help me.  Gardening actually stresses me out. Trust me...I want beautiful flowers and plants in my yard; I just know me---I don't have the patience or fortitude to make it happen (sorry to my Mother who had the greenest thumb of most anyone I know), myself.  I desperately need outside help in this area. 
​     If I truly believe that I have been called to be a peace-maker, I need to remember to help do that in the communities in which I live and work. I am blessed to work in communities all over the world, helping school leaders and educators hone their craft as I hone my own. My oxygen mask is not always completely functioning, but I know this to be true:  when I hear words from even one of my workshop participants that make me reflect on why I am in the education profession, I am re-charged and filled up with the air of peace.  Then, perhaps, I can do the same for others.
     So, again, where does your peace come from?  I pray that you find it today and spread the good news that peace is more preferable to conflict and unrest. 

Happy Communicating!!
Shelly