Well, I suppose that since the name of my website and blog are about communication, I should show my vulnerability about certain pieces of advice about communication.
The morning of the colonoscopy (it was scheduled a bit later in the day than I would prefer, but you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit (I learned that gem from the best Kindergarten teachers in the world)), Dave and I were in the surgery center. I already had the IV inserted, and we were simply waiting "my turn", hoping and praying that they clean the instruments with a clear surgical precision. Just as the nurse came in to put the first dose of "happy juice" in my IV (you know, the stuff they give you before they wheel you back and knock you out completely), my phone dinged. Before Dave and I prayed for the doc's healing hands to be upon me, I (just like Pavlov's dog) was drawn to my phone. I opened it, and there was a text message. I wasn't planning on opening the whole message, but I just wanted to see who it was from and if it might be important (like more important than going back for a surgical procedure? I know----don't judge----read my last blog if you are tempted). What I saw stopped me from getting too "happy" from happy juice, as what I could read of the intro to the message said (and I quote): "Jesus is approaching...." Now, I don't know about you or your faith or your beliefs, but I looked at Dave with a little bit of fear in my eyes, and I began to wonder if I should cancel the colonoscopy altogether. I mean, if Jesus is approaching...... I had to do it. I had to open the whole message, which was directly from DoorDash, saying that "Jesus" (likely pronounced "Hey-soos", but no matter) was approaching my dad's rehab facility with the Crumbl cookies I had sent. WOWEE!! I started giggling and could not stop. I trust that the surgical center has heard many strange reactions to the drugs they give you, but this was PERFECT for making sure I take care to not make assumptions before reading the whole text. I invite you to share your best communication (or miscommunication) stories with me. Happy Communicating! Shelly
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Today is judgement day. Okay, hang on. No freaking out. Please don't start trying to get your affairs in order. Just keep reading so you can hear me out. It is judgement day for me, because I need it. I have had a LOT of things going on in my life lately that are either connected....or not. Actually, it doesn't matter. All I know is I feel like I have been dealing with a lot of health related issues, work craziness, and a ton of students who I am mentoring in graduate courses, as student teachers, or through their doctorate as they work on their dissertations. Aside from a couple of weighty (no pun intended, but I wouldn't mind losing about 15 pounds) health scares/issues lately, most of the things I have been dealing with are pretty great. Work for me is not taxing except when I make it that way. In other words I find myself over-committing to work, either by accepting too many consulting jobs or taking on too many graduate courses to teach or even by accepting too many student teachers to watch/supervise each semester. What happens when I take on too much? The scales seem to tip in the direction of having too little time to keep me spiritually fit, to keep me patient with my dear loved ones (yes, even the hubby and dogs I miss so much when I am traveling for work) or stressing about getting prepared for the next job. Does that cause health problems? I don't know if it causes them, but I sure know it can't help. What I have found is when I am working too hard or worrying too much (or "borrowing trouble", as my beautiful spiritual advisor reminds me), I begin looking outward at what is wrong around me instead of focusing on how I can heal myself. Since I broke my wrist in July, I had talked about the need to slow down, which I am not positive I did such a hot job of doing, and I believe it has taken its toll on my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health. When I am not on my healthy "game", I tend to face outward about the problems in my life. The consequence of that is I can get snippy and even rude to people I don't even know or people I love. One such example was writing a nasty-gram to a property "host" we were going to use to rent a place in Tucson for a month in the winter. He did a really poor job of communicating the full cost of what we were going to pay, and Dave and I got frustrated. Even after we were "over it" and done and knew we weren't going to rent one of his properties, I felt the need to take a dig at his miscommunication. While I thought my sarcastic remark about his lack of respect, honesty, or professionalism was likely "true", it was something I don't believe God called me to do. In church today, I heard a few truths that I needed to hear and ponder on for a little bit. I'd like to share those with you, as they might help you as well if you find yourself in the same judgement boat as I was in.
What is it that gets under your skin? How do you remain steadfast in your journey to be a good and faithful servant? Please share your stories and insights with me. Happy Communicating, Shelly Several weeks ago, I broke my wrist bone....first broken bone ever. Since that time, and even since I got the cast off a couple of weeks ago, I have learned so much I should already know about slowing down. As I get older, in general, I can't run through the airport at breakneck speed to catch a connecting flight like I used to. Having the knowledge of that and having the ability to not try to do it anyway are two vastly different things. Couple the age factor, though, with the broken arm, and I am slowly learning to slow down...and ask for help when needed.
Dave will likely be the first one to tell you that I do not ask for help, readily. For years, we have watched that video showing the little girl who does not want help putting on her seatbelt. Wowee, she reminds me of myself. But the fact of the matter is: we all need help sometimes. Lifting my bag into the overhead bin on the airplane would be next to impossible without the use of my right hand and arm, but it is such a simple gift for someone to simply put it up there for me, especially when they happen to be 6 inches (or more) taller than me (not a hard feat, as many of you know). I just have to remind myself that it might take me an extra minute (or 5) to get settled or to board a flight in the first place. And don't get me started on trying to get all the training materials I need (plus the obligatory and oh-so-critical diet coke) out of the car each morning I am traveling for work. What horrendous thing might happen if I had to take two trips into the school? But nooooooo....... I catch myself trying to be a packmule and then spilling diet coke on the front of my dress (while the front office secretary tries to convince me you "really can't see it that much"). Ugggghhhh..... Sometimes, though, God simply tells me in no uncertain terms that I will (no maybe about it) slow down. For me, that mandate typically comes in the form of some type of COVID or other virus/flu. That happened last week. I had gotten home from one state and was going to travel to Houston two days later to train, and I got knocked on my behind by fever, chills, fatigue, cough, and other "not-necessary-to-mention-in-this-blog-but-suffice-it-to-say-they-weren't-great" symptoms. Dave took me to Urgent Care where the doctor told me he was going to write me a "get-out-of-work" note. Dave laughed, and said, "She doesn't have anyone that is going to need that....except HER!" The doctor told me to get some rest, and I'll be honest----I really didn't have a choice----rest was literally all I could do. I did end up (with Dave accompanying me, by the grace of God) being able to travel up to Wyoming for a few days of training, while also getting a chance to drive around and walk in some pretty areas of the mountains and forests. God definitely has a sense of humor, especially when I try to do things in my own time (see above "breakneck speed"). Sometimes, time has a way of simply slowing down FOR me and even allowing me to write a short blog since I have been remiss in doing so for a few weeks. What are the benefits of slowing down? For me, they include: *being grateful *remembering to pray *remembering what's important *getting healthy How about you? Hurry up (just kidding) and comment on my post to let me know your best "slow down" story and/or advice. Happy Communicating! Shelly Does life throw us curveballs we find frustrating? For sure! I guess I should just speak for myself, but I know I have my share of annoyances, bumps in the road, flight delays, etc. This past week, I was working in upstate New York on changing the culture in a small school district with really great administrators who are committed to help their teacher become better and alter the culture of their schools and their district for the better. Dave (my dear husband of 31 years as of August 1st) came with me because I broke my wrist a few weeks ago in Cabo (I wish I had a more exciting story to tell besides the fact that I broke my fall down three steps off the tee box on the golf course). I can type (but my wrist starts aching pretty seriously after a few minutes) but my handwriting is pretty atrocious. I'm not allowed to lift anything, lest the fracture gets displaced any further and we have to look at surgery----no thanks. I've learned how to do so many things with my left hand that it's never had the opportunity to do as the right arm gets center-stage. The thought of traveling by myself was a little daunting, but the real truth is the weather in Texas has been over 100 degrees for the past few weeks, so I didn't figure it would hurt Dave's feelings too much to head north for a week. Suffice it to say, Dave literally became my right-hand man the entire trip, and he now has another jewel added to his angel crown for all he did for me. He lugged all the luggage (including his golf clubs, of course---what's a guy supposed to do while his wife works during the day, anyway?); he helped wash my hair; he learned how to dry my hair; he cut up my food (yes, seriously), and so much more. In addition to doing all the THINGS for me, Dave has always helped me in more ways than I can list, including modeling how to catch flies with honey. He is most definitely a charmer, and he has taught me how to ask nicely for upgrades in hotels, for one. Yes, I could say, "I'm a Hilton Diamond member; be sure you give me an upgrade", but that would likely not work as well as Dave's line, "Diamond status gets us the Penthouse Suite, right?" with an adorable smile. Simply asking specifically for what we want is something Dave has taught me how to do. Notice I said "asking", not "demanding". I think there is a huge difference. The same holds true for having status on the airline to which I have been loyal for over 10 years. I always tell people that every single airline is going to have weather or maintenance delays, but stay true and loyal to an airline and they will stay loyal to you. If a flight is so delayed I am going to miss my connecting flight, I already have a new boarding pass along with hotel and food vouchers (if necessary) ready and waiting for me when I exit the plane. But it is no surprise that air travel is one of those things that aggravates people to the point of sometimes simply blowing up. You don't have to search too long on the internet to find examples of people getting kicked off airplanes for being rude to the flight attendants or even other passengers. Yesterday was a prime example. Since I paid for my airline ticket and bought Dave's ticket with miles, they couldn't tie us together in such a way that it would put him on the upgrade list for 1st class. As a frequent traveler, I got bumped up to 1st class on three out of four of our flights. However, a 1st class seat does me no good without my "right hand man". Plus, we want to watch Netflix shows together, so I'd rather sit back a few rows but together than sit by myself in 1st class. On two of the three flights on which I had been upgraded, we had a gate agent put Dave on the upgrade list (and we both ended up in 1st class on one of the flights). On that flight, we got to the gate and asked the gate agent if she could try to put us together in 1st class so Dave could help me. She was LOVELY (likely because we asked nicely and didn't assume this would be a "given"). After this got resolved, a guy walked up with a beautiful white Great Pyrenees service dog to get in line before the flight boarded. A few feet away, a woman was Facetiming a relative, and she started complaining to her family member how much she hated dogs and how "that dog better not be on our flight". We thought it was pretty apparent the dog was indeed going to be boarding the flight. The already irate lady started cussing about letting "damn animals" on planes. Okay, I get it. If you aren't a dog lover, you might not appreciate the absolute beauty of this animal, but it didn't stop there. The woman (who had previously been sitting in a wheelchair but had been walking around while Facetiming with her family member) marched up to the adorable and lovely gate agent to say "That dog better not be on the flight with me". The gate agent assured her, with a precious smile, that the dog was with its handler and shouldn't cause her any problems. The completely out of control lady said, "It can't be on the flight because I am allergic to dogs". The gate agent gave the lady the option of staying on the flight or being booked on the next flight out ( which could, in truth, have 10 dogs on it versus the one on this flight, but I was just watching the show at this point), to which the furious lady said the gate agent had an "attitude" (I've never understood this----doesn't everyone have some type of an attitude?) and "Don't you see I'm disabled? I just walked over here, but my wheelchair is over there". That poor gate agent had to deal with the insanity of the woman and asked her to step aside as we were already in the midst of pre-boarding. I made a point of telling the gate agent how much we appreciated her and told her she was doing an AMAZING job. As Dave and I sat down in our seats, I said, "Wouldn't it have just been easier for the irate woman to simply slow down, take a breath, and then ask if there was an open seat as far apart from the dog as possible? If I were that dog, I feel I would say a big 'Amen' to that solution anyway." Instead of whining about the problem, what might happen if we think ahead about a solution that can wind up being a win/win for everyone? What is an example of this for you? I would love to hear some of your stories. In the meantime, I think honey is on sale at the grocery store this week! Happy Communicating! Shelly airlines gate agent woman rude about dog do what is asked of you by police ask for what you want be specific I know I have mentioned several times that I also teach online graduate courses, but if this is your first time reading my blog, let me catch you up. I teach Educational Leadership courses for online students at one university, and I mentor lots of doctoral students at two other universities (who are writing their dissertations). I adore both types of work, even though they are so different from one another. My masters' level students often get quite surprised by my presence in their discussion threads. I poke my nose in and lurk (definitely not in a creepy way) in a way in which I firmly believe all good teachers should do when their own students are engaged in table group discussions or even partner discussions. Why? Because we simply need to know what is being talked about in order to get the finger on the pulse of what is happening in each of those conversations. Can I hear them all? Of course not, even when I am teaching a face-to-face workshop. However, I think it is one of the most important strategies I can share with novice or pre-service teachers and/or administrators. So, if this is a strategy we expect teachers to use in their classrooms, then principals need to use it when they are listening to conversations between their own teachers in Professional Learning Communities or professional development (PD) opportunities. So, if this is a strategy school leaders should use, then I should be modeling it for them when I teach a face-to-face workshop or an online course. I try to model several types of engagement strategies, discussion techniques, classroom management routines, and methods of building rapport when I teach, as well. I call participants by name (in my online classes, I ask them what they want to be called as names and relationships matter); I use chimes to ring to bring us all back together after a group discussion or activity in in-person PD, and I use multiple engaging techniques specific to the outcomes we are attempting to reach. I always am certain to tell my participants that I don't ring chimes because it is "cute". In fact, I don't do anything because it is "cute". I ring chimes because music tends to cut through even louder group conversations, which allows me to ask people to pause their conversations and come back to their tables and get ready for the next phase of teaching and learning. I, in fact, also tell people that whenever I show a video, it is for a specific purpose. If they need a graphic organizer to help them keep track of what they are gleaning from the video, I try to provide that, as well. Watching a teaching video without a purpose is...well...purposeless. Again, I am trying to model what I think good school leaders should do for teachers, and what teachers should be doing for their students. Recently, I got feedback from a participant in a workshop who said, "I didn't like that she used chimes. It was too childlike." I admit I was shocked. First of all, hadn't I explained the purpose of modeling? As a principal, I used to use puppets every Friday morning for our news show. Libby the Black Lab would tell Mud the Chocolate Lab how she should learn better manners as a growing puppy (thereby teaching the students they should model good manners for one another in the classroom or lunchroom). I had a bald eagle (named Eagle Eye) who would say, in a very professorial-sounding voice (stick with me), "I have SEEN......" and then he would launch into what he was seeing as good or bad examples of leadership around the school. When I talk about the use of those puppets, I always jokingly say, "I think I could have taught the students how to multiply fractions using those puppets as they were typically riveted to the news show, not caring that I am not a masterful puppeteer and my lips would move the whole time." But I also make sure I tell people that not everyone is comfortable using puppets, as a teacher or as an administrator (I'm so wacky, I had about 25 different puppets with 25 different personalities and, therefore, 25 different voices and personalities I had to memorize). I always say to use what works for you! If it feels comfortable to YOU, it will feel comfortable for your audience. This little piece of feedback was literally the first time I have ever had someone say something that indicated they felt "belittled" by my use of chimes as a transition tool. I SO badly wish they would have asked about it during the workshop, as I would have turned to the whole group of school leaders and asked, "What do you use to model for your teachers as transition tools they can use in their own classrooms?" I have a hunch I would have heard things like, "I do rhythmic clapping" or "I model the call and response I like to see teachers use like 'All set?' and then the students say 'You bet'." Some might say, "I don't use any gimmicks with my teachers. I just yell at them to get quiet so we can begin our meeting." Ugggh! Let's yell to get people quiet. Wait....what??? Just as those Russian nesting dolls fit so nicely within one another, so I see with modeling what we want to see at the next level of "doll". Whether it is a set of chimes, a silly song, a call and response, or WHATEVER, teachers are watching school leaders, and school leaders (or potential ones) are watching me to see if I am standing and delivering content (versus engaging them in content). It is incumbent upon each one of us to model different strategies for different purposes. Maybe I have mentioned that I am a perfectionist. While most all the other feedback from that session was extremely positive, I got stuck on that one negative statement. That, indeed, is precisely the type of negative thinking that I encourage people to avoid, by the way. "Do not let 5% of the group take up 95% of your time", whether that time is physical or mental. So, I'm posting about it to get it off my chest and be done with it. :) So, what do you model for your own children, students, teachers, or others with whom you work? I can't wait to hear your thoughts. Happy Communicating!! Shelly In one of the classes I'm teaching for Educational Leadership at Grand Canyon University, I posed a question about who the students would or could talk to if they found themselves in a position in which they didn't know what to do or how to handle a particular school situation. One of my students spoke of the "tribe" she uses to bounce ideas off of. Several of us have posted responses to her practice. I am so blessed to have several tribes with whom I use for different situations in life.
Professional In presenting to teachers, school leaders, and university professionals all over the world, I have been so happy to find people with whom I can co-present, people who I go to for new ideas on presenting strategies, administrators who network with me and continue to become true friends and comrades in this education journey. I tell new teachers and administrators to "stick with the winners" and only go to those people for advice. Some people in education (any profession, also, of course) can get burnt out and share their burnt out feelings. Who needs that? Spiritual When faced with a situation in which I'm feeling resentful, discouraged, or troubled by worry, I have a tribe of spiritual advisors and fellow travelers who are still making their way through situations that used to baffle me. We can discuss our journeys, give each other advice and not be offended in the least if the person decides to go a different direction (after all, it is not my business to "grade" someone on the choices they make, only to be there to support). I am blessed to have a new tribe member, who I call my spiritual guru. She has saved my butt a couple of times in the past couple of years, and I am eternally grateful. Denise, you are my guru, but I promise not to put you on a pedestal! Lifetime friends Dave makes fun of me because I tell so many people "I love you". You know why I do that? Because I love so many people. I know better than to share every single secret in my life with every single person, but I still love and cherish the relationships I have with so many friends from so many different seasons of my life. Let me preface this by saying I went to 8 different schools in my 12 years of K-12 schooling. I still have managed to stay friends with Tricia, my bestie from 4th - 6th grade. I also am still EXTREMELY close to my rock and cornerstone best friend from high school, Denise. She and her family even vacation with Dave and me once every other year to Cabo San Lucas. We're doing it right now, by the way! Robin and Kelly were my best friends in college; we were in each others' weddings, and we now get together at least twice a year (husbands are allowed to come for the summer trip). We have a group of 8 or 9 of us from Trinity who gather together every year and we group text. We have seen each other through cancer, divorce, becoming grandmas, and always so much laughter (and crying because we are laughing so hard). The guys have simply resigned themselves to the notion that you can't contain this joy, so they no longer try. All of these friends are near and dear to me and are unique in each way we value our friendship. What about you? Who is in your tribe? And for what reasons do they stay there? Happy Communicating (in and out of your tribe), Shelly A dear spiritual advisor of mine once (or maybe 100 times) told me that it was none of my business what others think about me. I hear the words; I comprehend the words; I can spell those words; but no matter what, I still often worry what other people think about me. Part of it, quite honestly, is the nature of my work. I teach every one of the Educational Leadership courses at a couple of universities (at varying times, of course; not all at the same time). I care so much about the reputations of my students when they become school leaders that I am often tough on their spelling and grammar they use in their writing. I also pretty strictly adhere to the rubrics on which each assignment is graded. I frequently will have a student tell me in the first week or so of the course that I am "ruining" their 4.0 GPA because I "gave" them an A- on a paper. I want to say "Oh brother! Just wait until a parent comes to your office with a memo you wrote that contains multiple writing errors to say, 'You are the principal of an elementary school where my child is supposed to be learning how to write correctly, and you can't even check over your work??' Then tell me how much that A really mattered." The problem is that grading is hard work. Giving feedback is only hard if it is done well- substantively, timely, and purposefully. As I was getting ready to deplane my first flight this morning on my way to go work with administrators on building a culture of trust in their schools, I happened to glance down at a passenger's phone. He was looking at his Inbox on his email, and there looked to be 100s (!) of unread emails. I almost started sweating and twitching, wanting to take that thing out of his hand and help him organize his emails into folders.....but shoot!! the name of my blog is "mind my own business", so....ummm....that wouldn't be good, would it? You see, it freaks me out because that is not how I operate, but that very likely works for him. If my Inbox has one email in it, I have to DO something with it---put something on the calendar, put the email in a folder, or return the email, etc. But that is how I operate----what he does is his business, not mine (despite the fact that I was having palpitations about it). On the flipside, I have a rather obsessive need to grade my students' papers within 24 hours after they are due at 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday night. This is not a requirement; this is not even close to being an expectation by the university, but it is my business. I feel strongly that my students need quick feedback that is content and writing specific within a day so they can begin to work on next week's assignments. I even believe that this is modeling for future school leaders what teachers need in their own teaching----frequent coaching and feedback sessions in which teachers are able to reflect on their own teaching. Maybe the student in each class who is mad at me for ruining their GPA doesn't say anything, but the end-of-course evaluations tend to indicate that students really appreciate the feedback. I keep in touch with my students, sometimes long after I have had them in class. I've been blessed to go to lunch or dinner with students from a course I taught at my alma mater three years ago just to keep in touch. One of my students called me the other day to tell me she had just been offered (and she accepted, of course) a job as an Assistant Principal. She wanted to thank me for some advice I had given the class two years ago! Wait! Dave doesn't even remember something I told him last week, and you remember my advice from two years ago??? (Just kidding---Dave hangs on my every word, I'm sure!) So, the way I do things and the way you do things may be totally different, but if it works for us, then that is my business and it is your business to mind our own business. Currently, my business is ensuring that the work I do for these administrators in this school get the best of me and my facilitation tomorrow, so I better make it my business to go catch my next flight. After all, someone in the seat next to me might need my advice on how to organize their mail in their Inbox. Happy Communicating, Shelly Twenty-five years ago, I made a significant change that altered my life pretty much forever. Dave and I had been married for six years and he has been totally supportive of the change. I have been sober and serene for 25 years, as of today.
But wowee, I could not have done it alone. I have had the perfect spiritual advisor (I call them sponsors) for each season of these years....as they gave me exactly what I needed just when I needed it. My first sponsor, Margaret, walked me through the steps, and she never (not once) would have co-signed my bull-crap. She moved years later to another state, and I had to find someone else to guide me. Ugghhhh....have I mentioned I do not love change most of the time? Ellie, however, was like Mother Earth to me.....it seemed all the woodland creatures gathered around her, and I was blessed to be one of them. She loved fiercely, and she had an amazing story. She passed away a couple of years ago, but before she passed away, Dave and I had moved to Tucson, where I found a pretty lovely lady who sponsored me for awhile. Lisa has a heart of gold, and is always trying to better herself and grabs onto healthy habits that I tried to emulate many times. Moving back to my homeland of Texas and building the home of our dreams was so much fun, but it was also pretty stressful stepping into new situations and not actually getting to do what I truly believed I was going to do once we moved here. I needed a sponsor and spiritual advisor who would listen to my honest story of where I was in my sometimes lack of serenity and confidence. Denise has been my rock, and I am so very blessed that she happens to go to the same church Dave and I go to. She reminds me that when I worry about "stuff", I am simply "borrowing trouble", and wow! she is exactly what I need right now, as I begin my 26th year of sobriety. She had an amazing career, and she helps me understand how, despite how VERY important my career still is to me, that is what I do....it is not solely who I am. I am so much more than what I do.....but I still have trouble separating ME from MY CAREER. I am such a people pleaser because I truly care what my university students think about me, and I will bust my ass to help any one of them who shows the desire to grow as well. My theory is "Once my student (at the master's level, doctoral level, or any of my students or workshop participants I've ever taught in my life)....always my student". I love keeping in touch with my students, and all I can think is that I would never be able to do what I do (teaching Educational Leadership students, doctoral students, or teachers/principals all over the world) without the support of all the mentors I have had in my life who have helped me continue to grow. I continue to want to learn right along with any of my "students"----I'll hop on a webinar with students who want to do a book study; I'll talk with teachers' unions about their concerns about observations and evaluations they worry will be done in a "gotcha" format; I'll answer questions my students have at 5:00 in the morning because I know what it is like to be immobilized if you don't know what to do next on an assignment that will be due in two days; and I will discuss and debate with people who have misconceptions about how amazing public school is and how teachers are doing their darndest with so much flack from people who often don't understand what they are doing and what they are really doing to help students of today become adults of tomorrow who Dave and I would be proud to have taking care of us in whatever assisted living facility (or maybe even at our home---please?) we wind up, someday. Am I proud? Yes, AND I am humbled. For me, it's not an either/or deal. In the past 25 years, I've experienced some of the most amazing parts of my life (other than meeting and marrying Dave, of course, which happened 6 or 7 years before that), but quite honestly, we've weathered some of the most challenging aspects of our lives in these past 25 years as well: I've lost my mom; I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy (and oophorectomy, and....and....and....just because it was estrogen-fed); we've lost Dave's mom and dad; we've lost some of the best Labrador Retrievers to cancer and other issues; and I've recently lost one of the dearest soul-sisters I've ever had in my entire life...BUT, despite all of that (and so much more), I have a fellowship of fellow travelers who are walking this path with me (some have not made it; others have opted to go out and do some more research for those of us who stick around). I am grateful....forever grateful. Next Sunday, we will become members of the Episcopal church we have been attending in Boerne, Texas (about 30 minutes away from our dream home we built in the hill country of Texas about 18 months ago), and I cannot seem to quit getting teary-eyed when I think of how grateful I am for finding a church home in which we worship, sing, listen to amazing sermons, and then talk about the service for the next week. That, to Dave and me, is pretty much the epitome of what it means to worship. Have I mentioned I am grateful? Our two Labs, L.C. and Kirby, are living their best life as they get to run off-leash most always twice a day----chasing deer, armadillos, turkey, and each other. When I am not traveling for work, I get to sit in the backyard and listen to the birds (and silence; there is always silence), go to noon meetings, read books for pleasure, and see some of the best friends I've ever had (getting together with Denise and Mike and going on double-dates (even if they are to Cabo San Lucas) sure doesn't suck) and having my Texas family (including my almost-5 -year-old niece) close enough that my niece can stay the night with us and curl up and watch Scooby-Doo and eat popcorn with M&Ms is pretty special. Yep, life is pretty damn good. I could complain about the traffic on 1604 but life is way too good!! Quite honestly, life is only this beautiful because of this 25 year milestone. I'm by no means perfect, but life is pretty perfect. I pray it is for you, too! Happy Communicating! Shely I always feel like it is truly a Godwink when circumstances collide, and a potential blog topic that has been tickling my brain continues to gain traction with each passing day as something new gets added to the mix. Today was the culmination of one of those times for me. This week, I was in Detroit, working with school leaders at a small district. I made nametags the night before the training with their first names on them (and one for me, as well, although I have one of those fancy-shmancy metal ones with the title, etc.). As I met them, I gave them their nametag and within a few minutes, I didn't need the nametags anymore, as I had committed their names to memory. Make no mistake----I have no lack of things taking up brainspace and memory space, but I have always tried to make room for names, as they are so important to me. When I was a guidance counselor and then principal at an elementary school with around 550 - 575 students, I made sure I knew every student's name. Why? The easiest one-word answer I could give you is "relationships" but another, more practical, reason is because it made a big difference to say, specifically, "Joseph, come over here for a minute, please. Remember when we talked about running in the hallway, last week? What were a couple of reasons we said it was better to walk?" instead of a global, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Quit running in the hallway!" to random students. Names helped the students know they were seen, heard and known. It had the same effect on bus drivers, to be honest (not that I was asking them to stop running in the hallway, I might add). Often, participants with whom I work in school districts all over the world will say, "How do you remember names?" to which I often answer, "I think it's about why more than how, as I can't really explain how I do it but the reason I do it helps make it happen. I know that it builds relationships where there were previously people who simply didn't know each other."
So, this week, the administrators and I talked about the importance of calling people what they want to be called in an effort to build rapport with them (whether we are talking about school leaders to staff or from teachers to students). Many of us have experienced the "oops" that comes when we mispronounce someone's name, and I can say that it is something I swear I won't do twice. Names matter, as they are typically the first thing we know about someone new whom we meet. Even though I teach online courses to Grand Canyon University students (teachers who are getting their master's degree in Educational Leadership), I still ask my students what they want me to call them. I simply want to honor the fact that Matthew might prefer Matt, even though I might never see him in person. Also, this week, one of my friends posted something on Facebook about how her German Shepherd has a myriad of names he is called....nicknames, even though "Chief" is a perfectly great name in and of itself. I started laughing, as our Labs are Kirby and L.C., but we call Kirby about 10 different nicknames depending on what we are saying to him (and L.C. is the same way). I was thinking about how we do the same with loved ones....call them different names for different occasions----Dave is "Sweetie", especially when I need him for something. Now that I have planted that thought in your head, what are some of the names you call loved ones that have nothing (or very little) to do with their given name? What is the reason behind that, do you think? My hunch is that, over time, the relationship with our loved ones has become so deeply ingrained, we have come up with new ways to think about them. If names are the beginning to the relationship, then how much has the relationship morphed when the names are morphed? When I first begin teaching a course at Grand Canyon (or I get a new student teacher) or I get a new doctoral student at Walden University, I am Dr. Arneson. But, over time, I become Dr. A, Dr. Mom (yes, I love that one, too), Dr. Shelly, etc. But what has really changed besides the name? The kicker, I believe, is that the relationship has morphed into something more profound and, yes, more vulnerable (in the sense that we can be more open, honest, comfortable, and yes, sometimes even more "loving" with one another as the relationship grows). So yesterday, one of the students in a course that is ending in three more days, wrote a discussion post (that is public not just to me but to her classmates, as well) that said, in part, "After week one, I was close to giving up. First assignment I didn’t get a great score. Thanks to Dr. Arneson meeting with me on Zoom, I was able to get an understanding of her expectations, and we built trust in being able to communicate throughout the course. Setting up that first meeting required me to be self aware that if I continued this way, I was not going to pass the class." Wow! Just wow!! This is a student who I now believe has everything it takes to become an amazing school leader. Why? She was not afraid to be vulnerable----not just in the act of asking to talk to me about her grade, but being WILLING to do what it takes to take a sincere look at her work.....not to mention being brave enough to share all of this with the rest of her class of 21 students. It should not, then, have come as a surprise to me that the sermon in church today had to do with Jesus knowing us by name and all the names we call God and Jesus. Names are, after all, the beginning of the relationships that continue to grow and transform us. We talked in a small group after church today about what parishioners call Episcopal clergy (Father, Mother, Reverend, first names, etc.) and the reasons for those names. Just for today, consider what names mean to you, what you call your closest friends and loved ones (including the four-legged ones), and why. Happy Communicating! Shelly (just Shelly is perfectly fine, by the way) Dave and I are both a little sad as, even though we had found an amazing Episcopal church to attend in our neck of the woods (near us in the hill country of Texas), the head priest was just elected to be the Bishop of West Texas. So, he will no longer be our priest at our church, but his "net" will definitely be more widespread (which is truly a blessing for more people in Texas). Dave and I feel strongly about the pull towards a church being based on a couple of really important criteria, to include: great music, a good vibe or feel from the congregation, and (most of all) a powerful message from the priest that resonates with us throughout each week following Sunday services. We know it's a good message if we find ourselves bringing it back up on Tuesday or Wednesday as we are walking the dogs to talk about it further, for example. Father David, whose final Sunday was last Sunday, talked quite a bit about saying "goodbye" and telling each other how we care about and love them. He made the joke (not really a joke because it is oh-so-true) about how Texans who live in the hill country often tell one another they love each other by saying, "Watch for deer". In the hill country, it is all too common to have deer dash out in front of your car during dawn and dusk hours. I have joked many times over the last couple of years of being back in Texas that I feel like the deer will literally stand right on the side of the road as we slow down (to allow them to cross), seemingly thinking, "It is so nice that these people are slowing down to say 'hello' to me". But then, when they don't move at all, we will begin to slowly begin driving again, only to have the deer (seemingly) say, "I have chosen right NOW to run into the middle of the street" just as we get going again. Wait...what?? We just gave you ample opportunity to cross (with or without several of your loved ones, babies, or group of best friends, by the way), but you just stood there and stared at us. NOW, you choose to run across the road?? Needless to say, we have had several very close calls with these beautiful creatures, and I would be sick if we hit one (although we have resigned ourselves to this likely being a "when" not just an "if" happening). Father David reminded us that we have begun using that phrase "Watch for deer" to each other and other friends and family when one of us embarks on a journey that occurs around the dawn or dusk time period. It truly has, at times, replaced the common salutations "Goodbye", "Love you", or "See you later". We all know what we mean when we say "Watch for deer", as we know too many people who have either been injured or worse from hitting a deer in their vehicle or have simply been traumatized by hurting the deer themselves by hitting one. I think it might fall under PTHD (Post-Traumatic-Hitting-Deer), although I haven't experienced it....yet. So, what does that mean to me today? It means that I am an extremely affectionate person, and I love to love other people in my life. I am personally one who says "I love you" quite a bit----so much so that Dave will often joke with me, saying, "Who don't you love? I think you tell everyone you love them". That is not true, by the way. I do not, in any way, shape, or form, feel I am diluting my message of love by using that three-word phrase as often and with as many people as I do. I t just so happens that I do, truly, love a lot of people, and for that, I am eternally grateful. My dear step-mom (I call her my bonus mom or just "friend" these days, but she was married to my dad for over 10 years many moons ago) said to me, not too long ago, "I love how much you show you care about the ones you love". I suppose that I wear that as a badge of honor (not that I have earned a badge; more that it shows that I am a lover not a fighter) instead of a fault, for sure. I believe that telling people how much they mean to me is a super-power. I do not get the least bit intimidated by doing that (kind of like it doesn't intimidate me or make me nervous to pray with or for people in public), even though I know a good many people who do. There are so many ways people I know show their love for one another--- bringing flowers or other sweet gifts when they visit (or sending them if they are far away)---I'm pretty good with this, as well, but definitely not top-ranked in this activity as some of my friends and family are; doing acts of service for others (Dave will make his now-famous banana bread on the day I return from a work trip away from home, and I adore smelling the delicious scent of baked goods upon entering the house; he will also go fill up my car with gas or (better yet, even) wash my vehicle and try to get some of the Lab hair out of it (an activity that is truly not for the faint of heart); he has no problem cooking dinner while I am grading a batch of papers written by my graduate students or doctoral students, etc.); or hugging and holding hands (do you have a hand-holder in your life? You definitely know it if you have someone who is a toucher in your inner circle). I have experienced some people who are closer talkers than I am (think: Seinfeld episode that I have attached if you click on the "closer talkers" words). I simply have to maintain my boundaries if it bothers me. I have also experienced the lip-kissers (my theory is that kissing on the cheek or the forehead is lovely from and with people I am close to, but the only one I want to lip kiss with is Dave and our pups----sorry!), and that is a delicate move---trying to turn my head without offending the person. We each have our personal ways in which we say "I love you" or "I care about you", and we each have ways that don't resonate with us as well. What is your preference or your go-to way of telling someone you deeply care about and love them? I'd love to hear some examples. Just be sure to watch for deer, and please don't be offended if I wipe off my mouth if you try to (and almost succeed, because you caught me off-guard) lip-kiss me! :) Happy Communicating! Shelly |
Shelly ArnesonCategories |