Last night, I took singing bowls over to Dar’s (a dear colleague of mine) house.  I had ordered them for us to use in our trainings, as attention getters.  Before we had dinner with our poor husbands (who have to sit through shop-talk, whether they like it or not), Dar and I tried to figure out how to make these bowls sing.  We watched a youtube video of the proper posture, the proper hand technique, etc. and we ended up laughing and saying, “Maybe we will just use the mallet as a gong and ring the bowls that way.”  I was thinking about this on Dave’s and my drive home last night, and I said, “That is the best scenario for collaboration, isn’t it?  Good rapport between partners, an ability to laugh at ourselves and each other without egos getting in the way, learning something (or, in our case, trying our best to learn it) new together, and perhaps coming up with a new way of doing things, together). 
 
Dar and I had experience working together several times and knew our personalities were nicely matched for collaboration.  In addition, we have now taken long road trips (5 hours one-way) to go work together in Northeast Arizona.  At the return of one such trip, Dave asked me, “Did you guys listen to the radio?” I laughed and said, “In the 10 hours of driving, we never once turned on the radio.  We talked the entire time.” 
Recently, Dar had a project she wanted to work on together.  While she did most of the footwork ahead of time, due to our schedule conflicts, she came over one day last week and we spent about five or six hours putting together a one-day training.  Several times throughout the day, we commented on how much we were getting done (yes, patting ourselves on the back) and I attribute that work production to the fact that I didn’t feed her lunch.  I only allowed her to eat one banana throughout the day.  As we finished our work for the day and actually assigned each other homework, we talked about what made the day so productive.  Here are the top three things we decided:

1. We agreed that, while this work was critically important, the main important factor is the relationship and respect and trust between the two of us.
2. While everyone has really great ideas, no one person has all the great ideas and no one person is more important than the other.
3. True collaboration has the benefit of producing a product that actually becomes more than the sum of two parts. 

We have all worked in teams.  We have all worked on committees, grade levels, department meetings, and groups in which one person’s voice was always louder and stronger than the rest.  We have all left such meetings with a bit of resentment or ego bruising, wondering what we should have or could have done to make the person realize that their dominance keeps the group from being as productive as it could be.  Maybe we have even been that person who was the most dominant voice, believing that, if we didn’t say it, the “right way” wouldn’t rise to the surface or, if we didn’t maintain control of the group, people wouldn’t “do it right”.  I have a friend who used to be a mom at the school where I was principal.  She is still a mom, by the way, just not at that school.  And I am no longer principal there, either.  This friend was sharing with me that her oldest son cannot stand the group work that schools are asking students to do, now.  I laughed and told her I wasn’t a bit surprised. This dear boy remains one of my favorite kids from Edge, and to say he was a fellow control freak is a bit of an understatement.  He doesn’t like group work because the other kids don’t do it the right way or the way he believes it should be done.  The great thing about allowing students to construct meaning with one another, though, is that the students, if given a chance, often come to find out their idea is not the only good one and they often come away with an a-ha they never had before.
 
This is precisely what happened with Dar and me.  We each had some ideas, but I was the peas to her carrots and she was the bacon to my eggs (just go with it, and don’t ask questions---you know what I mean).  When she would say, “We should get them into groups of four, don’t you think?” I would say, “Yes, how about we do it like this..”.  When I would say, “I’m not sure what this will look like…”, she would say, “What do you think about…?”  The danger is in believing we have all the answers, or perhaps that we have to have all the answers or someone won’t believe we are Captain Wonderful.  In fact, people begin to trust us to work in groups with them even more when we show our vulnerability and group-work ability.
 
I’m grateful for Dar and for all the other dear colleagues with whom I have been given the gift of collaboration.
 
Happy Communicating!
 
 Shelly

​Two things, seemingly unrelated, happened today that really made me think.
The first was hearing a dear friend say, “I just need him to tell me he loves me.” I get that.  I am one of those people who needs to hear how other people are feeling.  So, if it is that easy to know that everyone, at some time or another, needs to be told, “I love you.”  We simply need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued. 
 
The other thing that happened was hearing a woman with whom we played golf tell me I was a good golfer.  Just joking.  That may not ever happen for me.  I pretty much stink at golf.  But, she did tell me, “I hope you keep working with teachers.  They do so much good work and they need your help.”  I almost cried.  She is not a teacher but she has a dear friend who just retired after 30 years who has been diagnosed with PTSD after living though some hellacious school scenarios (students getting killed, students killing each other, etc.)  I kept thinking about how much we need to be needed.
 
Dave and I have been through a good bit this last year.  He had surgery on his foot, and, shortly after, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am not going to sugar-coat anything and say it was a fun year.  But I do know this:  Dave appreciated how much I needed him before, during and after my surgeries to get rid of the cancer.  The year brought us even closer than we were before, which we both believed was impossible to do.
 
What does it mean?  I think we do a halfway job of telling other people how we really feel, but compound that with the obstacles we encounter at work, and you’ll likely find it nearly impossible to truly communicate in the workplace.  Why?
Here are tidbits that people say:
“I don’t want to sound weak by sharing my feelings at work.”
“I don’t trust my boss.  Why would I share anything with her?”
“Work is not the place to share feelings.”
“If I tell my boss I am in treatment for alcoholism, I may never get that promotion.”
“Guys don’t share feelings.”
 
But, what if….
What if we shared how we felt a little more…even at work?  I know a place where that happens. I know of a school where many people come to work to get fed, spiritually and emotionally.  I know of a school where parents say, “They actually know my name and seem to really care about me and my child(ren).”  What difference does that make? you may ask.  It makes a huge difference to those who are emotionally fragile or emotionally stable.  People want to feel loved and people want to feel needed.  One of my favorite Episcopal priests ever (Father Arnold) knew the value in making people feel needed.  We had just moved to Florida and I was church hopping.  You know what I mean.  I was slipping in, quietly, to one church at a time, just to check it out but not wanting to be noticed.  As the service was concluded at my first visit, the woman in front of me turned around and said, “You can sing.  We need you in the choir.” The next thing I knew, I was being dragged (well, maybe not dragged, exactly, but stick with me) to Father Arnold (so much for quiet and subtle visit), who shook my hand and asked what I did.  I told him I was a guidance counselor at a middle school.  He smiled a big, broad smile and said, “Great.  We need someone to help out with youth group.  Can you come next Sunday and join in?”  The next thing I knew, I was a member of the church, a member of the choir and I was teaching/advising youth group every Sunday.  He had figured out the secret to getting people hooked:  make them feel needed.  
 
Perhaps we need to realize that telling people how we feel and telling them how much they are needed may save them and save ourselves, in the same breath.   Last but not least, one of my dearest friends ever texted me today.  Michelle is one of my girlfriend champions.  She lifts me up when I am down.  She said, “Where is your blog?”  She missed me when I forgot to blog last week.  I love her for missing me but I love her even more for telling me. 
One of my favorite songs talks about not taking people for granted or we might just miss them when they are gone.  Take a look at Anna Kendrick’s  “When I’m Gone”.  And then go tell someone how you feel about them!!
 
Happy Communicating!
 
Shelly