This is a blog I posted way back in December of 2015, but it is still so relevant today. 
Please take a look!

​Make the World a Better Place
 
 
I suppose that, even if you haven’t seen the video of  Caitlyn (click on her name to view the video),   you have heard of this story or one similar to it.  It’s all about the willingness to trust again, to me.  After having been through something so devastating as having your mouth taped shut to the point of massive injury, can you trust again?  I just attended a meeting this morning, where nearly 75 men and women talked about the need to find a belief in a power greater than themselves after going through some kind of horrible time (addiction, jail, hospitalization for mental illness, etc.).  I think there are a couple of keys to surviving a devastating experience.
 

1.  Willingness to believe in something better:  Many people get trapped in the “I want to have my own pity party” syndrome, and sometimes, we even play the martyr because we want to have some attention from our tormented past.  When we are going through tough times, it is natural and normal to perhaps want and need some attention.  The problem arises when we sit down in a sandbox full of dog poo and we want to wallow around in it.  Not an appetizing analogy, is it?  But consider how true it is:  we actually stay in our own mess because getting out of it requires a conscious choice on our part to do something different.  “Hmmm…this poo is disgusting, but at least it’s warm and I am familiar with it.”  YUCK.  Caitlyn, the dog in that video, could have curled up and never run and played again, instead choosing to ignore the “what could be”s.  But nope, the minute she got the opportunity to run and enjoy freedom, she takes it.  We could learn a bunch from her.  In our workplaces, do we ever adopt the attitude that someone hurt our feelings once; therefore, I am going to close my door and not socialize with anyone ever again.  We have a choice, everyday, to make something better for our lives.

2.Resilience, complete with a sense of humor:  My first teaching job was teaching students with emotional/behavior disorders.  Many of those students lived in extreme poverty, complete with parents who did/sold drugs and some who were prostitutes.  And I was supposed to teach them to love reading?? Exactly.  As soon as I stopped focusing on the problems they had and started focusing on what I could do to help them enjoy reading (and math and their futures), things changed.  We began by reading “Indian in the Cupboard” together and, after I hung up a cupboard, in which I would daily put items that related to the next chapter we were reading, they began to focus on making predictions, analyzing story lines and much more.  When I later got my degree in Counseling, I began reading a great deal about resilience.  How can someone who has seen a parent murdered ever have a “normal” life?  Frederic Flach wrote volumes on this topic and  addressed some of the factors that contribute to resilience, namely:
a. One person with whom you can trust (a mentor or spiritual advisor)
b.Humor
 

1. Ability to forgive, if not to forget:  Let’s be honest.  After what Caitlyn, the dog from the video, went through, it would be hard to forgive the owner who did that to her.  Apparently, the owner is in custody.  But the point is:  do we let the horrible devastation that happened to us define us?  We have a choice to do something and be something better.  Forgiving someone for hurting us deeply may be a big task, but I think we have to choose between holding a resentment  so tightly, it becomes a burden to us.  Resentments are too heavy.  That doesn’t mean I will not be cautious around people for awhile, nor does it mean Caitlyn will not cower upon meeting new people for awhile.  What it really means is we can’t allow fear and hate to define us if we want to continue to grow and prosper.

 
Just for today, perhaps we can learn a life lesson from Caitlyn’s story.  How will you live your life after a tough time?  How will you go on to be an example of strength to others?
 
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Happy Communicating!
 
Shelly

I have met many educators around the country who use Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" (Covey, 2004) in their daily life and work. In fact, some even go so far as to call their schools leadership schools.  When I was blessed to be a principal in Florida, our school used Covey's principles without paying to become a "Leader in Me" school.  We had leadership themes every year (i.e. Growing Leaders, One at a Time; Edge Leaders Rock!; etc.), and we focused not just on the students but the leadership skills of the faculty, staff, and parents as well. In fact, I conducted a book study for two years in a row on Covey's work around the seven habits of effective families.  I even used Covey's son's work on trust as the conceptual framework for my own dissertation.  To say I am a Covey fan would be a massive understatement.  Why? I believe these seven habits Covey touted as important to becoming a leader (within yourself and with others, as well) are timeless:
1. Be proactive
2. Begin with the end in mind
3. Put first things first
4. Think win-win
5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood
6. Synergize
7. Sharpen the Saw (Covey, 2004)

We talked about these habits on the news show (typically with a puppet in my hand, to be perfectly honest); we made up songs about them; we memorized them; we put them to sign language; and we read about them over and over and over again. I still have parents who say they wish they could re-do those book studies we did, in which we would read a chapter and then discuss how the concepts applied to our lives and our families.    

The one that Dave and I find ourselves talking about the most is "Seek first to understand", because the fact of the matter is: we don't know what is going on with that person who just sped by us in their car, going 50 miles an hour in a 30 mph zone.  We also don't know what is going on with the lady at the grocery store check-out line who looks like she just lost her best friend.  Maybe she did!! The funny thing is that when Dave gets upset about something, I can always remember to say "Seek first to understand" but I can't always remember to say it to myself when I am the offended one.  I mentioned last week that I declined an opportunity of a lifetime because all the pieces and parts were simply not aligning. My spiritual advisor and Dave both told me (without talking to each other), "God has a plan for you, and you just have to feel honored that you were 'wanted' and that a similar opportunity may present itself in the future when the pieces and parts do all align." Okay, it wasn't that freaky. I shouldn't have put quotation marks around that, because they didn't say exactly those words, but the point is all of Covey's principles likely have a place in the decision making process we had to do in order for me to "stay put" for now. 

Maybe someone else needed that opportunity more than I did. Maybe by saying "yes" to that would have kept me from saying "yes" to another really cool opportunity later on. Maybe the people with whom I am currently working need me more than I know. All I know is this: I can grieve the loss of what I had dreamed about for many, many, many years (does that sound like I am old? I think it does), but I also then need to not regret the past by wallowing in "What ifs".  

I am so happy that God has placed so many great people in my life with whom I can synergize. And, by the way, if you think for an instant that you can listen to a little Kindergarten girl say, "Gueth what, Dr. Arnethon, we were thynergithing!" and not crack a smile, you have some serious humor therapy you need to do.  Those Kinders knew from two weeks into the school year that synergizing (even if they couldn't say it correctly) would produce better results than if they tried to do something on their own.  I pray I always get to work with people who want to become better people, in life, in work, and in love. 

Happy Communicating,

​Shelly

• Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Restoring the character ethic. New York: Free Press.

     In the Bible, James 3:11 talks about how a spring doesn't spew forth both salt and fresh water. I love hearing about verses like that because I just want to sit and ponder on them for a long, long time. In fact, Dave could likely get the laundry done and the dishes washed while I pondered about this one. Oh wait...this post is supposed to be about reputation. I certainly wouldn't want anyone thinking I would ever have Dave do the dishes or laundry without me.
     This verse, however, has me a bit stymied, as I feel I can sometimes "act" two sides of the same coin (some might call that premature menopause, but stick with me).  My views on politics, education, and other extremely matters have altered many times throughout my life. Does that mean I spew both salt and fresh water?  I suppose that is not really what that verse means. Instead, I believe it means that our true character is going to reveal itself no matter how hard we try to hide it. I recently heard a talk show host talking about one of the many (unfortunately) people in Hollywood who had been accused of using the "casting couch" to his advantage. In the interview, he said he would never take advantage of a young up-and-coming actor. And yet, last year, he was arrested for that and more. People's lives were affected drastically by his actions, even though they had once believed every word he spouted. 
     I have recently been through one of the toughest career decisions in my life. I know what I want to do with my life (please, oh please, don't anyone say, "Aren't you old enough to have DONE most of what you want to do in your career?")----help teachers, professors, students, and school leaders grow in their own professional skills (and thereby, selfishly, growing and learning myself).  I sincerely cannot think of anything I'd rather be doing.  But I was recently faced with an opportunity that would have been AMAZING but would have taken us away from our current, known situation. I had to do a lot of self-examination, and I can't say I know for 100% certainty that I made the right choice in turning down this opportunity. And, selfishly, I pray that another similar opportunity will present itself in the future that will be a better "fit" for our family. But I do know this:  I cannot think of a single thing I would rather be doing, professionally, than to continue on the path to helping students, teachers, principals, professors, and potential school leaders be their best selves. One of my favorite parts about the work I do is that, first of all, I adore it! But second of all, I also love seeing change take place in schools and districts and individuals that they (and I) feel are for the better. It is extremely satisfying, gratifying, and I pray it has some social impact on the world at large.
     My Educational Leadership students hear me say, all the time, "You are what you write" or "You are the decisions you make". Why? Because it is truly the epitome of our own reputations that we build by the actions we take and the words we say every single day of our lives. 
I'll leave you with one of my favorite cartoons that I show when I teach school leaders about trust and communication and ask you to consider: For what do you want to be remembered?
Happy Communicating,
​Shelly​
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