 This picture is some of the loved ones from my school when I was a principal in Florida. But no, it was not "my" school, ever. It was "our" school. I remember when I was hired in 2004, I was told by the Superintendent when he called me to offer me the position that the reason I was unanimously chosen by the committee over so many more qualified applicants (I am NOT joking about that---I was literally the least qualified, to be perfectly honest) was the use of the word "we" instead of "I". This is something that has stuck with me for nearly 20 years. I share it with my Educational Leadership students who are all teachers who want to become school leaders in some capacity. In other words, they want to help teachers grow so the teachers can help their students grow. I try to share with them how much the culture of a school can feel so "shared" if you are passionate about making it so. I have been in education all my years of having a career, and I can honestly say that every job I've ever had has been my favorite. I love building treasured relationships and helping watch the culture of schools all over the world grow in love. The school that plays and prays together stays together.
The reason we are all gathered here together was to reminisce, laugh, cry, and hug over losing one of our treasured soulmates who made work "not work". We haven't really lost her, though, have we, if we continue to share our fondest memories with anyone else who will listen? Okay, honestly, I share her Kelly-isms when I teach, as she was filled with comedy gold. So, my advice is to not ever wait one more precious second of the day, week, month, year, or lifetime without telling someone you love (how about everyone you love?) that you love them and why you love them. What is the risk? Embarrassing yourself over sharing too much emotion? Get over yourself. Dave and I were talking about why some people avoid going to funerals or services for friends or family who have died. His theory was that many folks simply don't know what to say to the family of the loved one who has passed away. I suspect it might be that I facilitate conversations for a living, or maybe I facilitate conversations for a living because I love sharing my thoughts and helping others share theirs, but I consider it a true honor to speak to loved ones of my friends or family who have passed away. So, if someone dies, what do you say to the family and friends who are grieving so intensely and feeling that raw emotion? Many think that if they bring up a memory, it will "hurt" the ones left behind too much. I, for one, relished in people sharing their memories of my mother after she passed away in 2005. Did I cry when they shared a story? Yep, sometimes, and sometimes I laughed outloud. And sometimes, I did both. I sure wouldn't have wanted it any other way, though. What I experienced yesterday at the Celebration of Life for our dear "famous for her one-liners" Kelly Edelman was pure and unbridled love, joy, faith, and hope. I strongly suspect that she is sitting at the feet of Jesus asking him (in the Joey from "Friends" voice), "How you doin'?" Who knows? She may wind up as His court jester for awhile----she sure was mine for the last 18 years. Instead of avoiding her three beautiful adult "children", I hugged them fiercely and kissed their cheeks as much as they could stand over the last couple of days. Why? They remind me so much of their mom, and their mom would be so very proud of them. But what happens if we stand back and don't say how we feel? The loved ones will miss hearing a nugget of joy that the deceased person brought to you. Please don't hold back. Say something.... I hugged more this weekend than I have in a long time. The administrative assistant at the school where I was blessed to be principal for 8 years has become one of my dearest friends, and Dave and I got to stay with her and her husband this weekend. What did we do the most? Talk and hug. We said how we felt about life events. We shared tears and laughter, and we became even closer (I didn't know it was possible) than we were before (and I might add that we've known each other since 1998). Cindy Dooley was always called my "confidential secretary" but good grief! She was (and still is) so much more. Our mutual affection and trust are aspects I will cherish forever. She has a 6th sense about things that no human should have, and I get to be one of the recipients of that amazing sense. Why? We say something to each other. I just found out another dear friend dealt with cancer during COVID. I considered letting it slide----we laugh and joke when we're together, and maybe it would be uncomfortable to talk about it now. Nope! We've been texting for the last hour, talking and joking about our working together years and talking about how prayers of serenity are being said while they heal. It would have been so easy to let that go....don't rock the boat or bring up a tough time, right? Nope! I said something, and he said something, and all is well in the world. I don't know any of the reasons why bad things happen to good people. I don't even pretend to know. I do know that, from a fierce and loyal friendship with a woman who was about as close to being made in Christ's own image, Kelly didn't "deserve" to die. But that isn't what it's about, is it? She did die, and we rejoiced in celebrating all the Kelly-isms we could think of this weekend. Why? Because we wanted to say something! I'm glad we did. Just for today, perhaps consider someone who you might not have talked to in a while or maybe even had a falling out with, and reach out and say something. I suspect you won't be sorry you did. Happy Communicating, Shelly
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 Wow! It has been over a month since I last blogged, and we're in a whole new year!! That is crazy. Just think about the sound of that for a minute---- 2023.....I'm not quite sure what I thought was going to happen, but I don't know if I ever pictured living in the year 2023, and yet here we are. This year is bringing in some really great new opportunities for all of us to dive into, and it gives us a chance to reflect on the past year. Last year was a crazy busy year of work for me. It was also a year of health issues....one after the other, including double pneumonia, COVID, and another upper-respiratory illness late in the year. For those of you who don't know me well, let's just suffice it to say that I don't handle staying still for too long. Work is part of my being, and it is truly what I feel I am called to do. But I actually had to cancel/postpone a couple of things this year due to illness. It frustrates me when I now have scarred lungs due to all of that, despite the fact that I have never smoked a cigarette (in the nature of true disclosure, I have done other things that are likely considered "worse" than that, but I grew up with a mom who smoked, so I never picked it up because I always thought it was nasty), and I struggling to even jog with the dogs. One of my greatest friends in the world just passed away last week, as well, and that has been hard. It has also become a great source of comfort, as I feel her presence near me quite often, lately. One of her amazing daughters wrote a post on Facebook, and I asked if I could steal it to share in my own blog because it so resonates with what I believe we should all do and be for others. I'd like to introduce you all to Tavey, the daughter of my dear friend, Kelly Edelman (who passed away on December 23, 2022): I have been having a hard time thinking of what to say. I have never experienced the death of a loved one before. I have never had to go through the feeling of loss that I am experiencing the last few days. My mom was my best friend. Of course we had some rough patches but who doesn’t? The only thing I want to do is call my mom and tell her about my day. Tell her about what I ate and what dumb things my friends did. But I can’t. I took pictures with a donkey today that I saw on my drive to Florida. The first thing I wanted to do was send them to her. She was my person. My go to. My listening ear for my daily gossip about my coworkers or the price of gas or the news. But I can’t. Like there’s a hole and my brain hasn’t quite figured out what’s missing. The house feels so weird and empty. Of course I know she’s gone but I hadn’t cried that much. I tried to tell myself it was because I was prepared. We knew it was going to happen. We knew we didn’t have much time. But now that time is up, I feel like I’m still rushing. The truth is, I'm heartbroken. I’m devastated. But I have siblings that I have to keep my head up for in fear of them not being okay if they see me upset. I know it’s okay to cry. But I promised mom that I would protect them. That I would always be here for them. Being sad isn’t going to bring her back. She wouldn’t want me to be sad. She would want me to celebrate that she’s no longer in pain. Celebrate that she’s finally reunited with her dad. She would want me to keep cracking jokes and keep trying to make people smile. Even in her final days she was making jokes. She wrote letters to me and my siblings to read when she’s gone and she even added a “your mom” joke at the end. She always knew what to say. She always had a good comeback. But most importantly, she was always a light. She was the one you could go to after a long day. The one you could come vent to. She always had the best attitude. My mom never complained. Even when she was visibly in excruciating pain, she would ask me if she could make me something to eat. She was always taking care of everybody even when she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. Her love for others is something I have always envied. She has always been that way. She had so much love to give. I hope that one day I can be half the person she was. She was caring and kind. She was selfless and funny. She was beautiful. She was too good for this world. There’s not enough room for all the words I could use to describe her. She devoted her whole life to me and my siblings. I wouldn’t have made it this far without her. My mom was the best person I’ve ever met. This post isn’t meant to be sad. My mom wouldn’t want me to be sad. In the letter she wrote that more than anything, she just wants us to be okay. And I am okay. She raised me to be strong, independent, creative, and all the things she was. She prepared us for life. She taught me how to do my taxes and how air filters work. She taught me how to ride a bike and how to make egg salad. She taught me to clip my toenails and how to use zip ties. She taught me how to fish and how to keep my room clean. She was always teaching. Always preparing. I am beyond blessed to have had her as my mom. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. And because of her, I am okay. I’m good. I miss her dearly but I know she’s always in my heart. Her favorite thing to do was people watch. Whether it was at the beach, or Starbucks, or even from the front porch. She loved to just relax and observe. It gives me peace of mind that now she has the best people watching view of all time. She was my best and longest friendship. My greatest teacher. My role model. But most importantly she was my mom. I could write a novel about her. The lives she touched, and the memories I will forever cherish. She would want me to remember those moments and smile, not be sad. She is at peace and no longer in pain and for that I will celebrate. I will celebrate because she has been called home. My advice to anyone reading this… If you love someone, let them know. Kiss your kids goodnight even when they think they’re “too old for that”. Do it anyway. Text your parents and tell them you love them. You never know how long you have. Do what makes you happy. Dancing like nobody is watching. And most importantly, know your worth. Don’t sell yourself short. Love big. Always stay positive. I want to thank some people as well. To my mom's friends, thank you for being there. The tribe, school friends, church friends, and everyone in between. Thank you for the meals, for the visits, and for stepping up when we needed help. Thank you for your friendship. My mom was surrounded by the best group of people anyone could ask for. She loved each and every single one of you to the moon and beyond. Thank you for the years of laughter and love you shared with her. Thank you for your endless love and support for me, Hayden, and Zev. We wouldn’t have been able to do it without you. Thank you for your selflessness, your generosity, your kindness, and your love. The world needs more people like you. My mom was good at touching the lives of anyone she came in contact with. She really scored with you guys. I also want to thank my moms team of doctors, nurses, oncology, and anyone else who helped medically (I don’t know the fancy terms). Thank you for giving her the care that she needed. Thank you for doing your best to keep her healthy and comfortable. Sometimes things don’t go the way we planned but that’s life. Thank you for dedicating your lives to help people like my mom. I want to give an outstanding thank you to my mom home health/hospice nurse/friend Andrea Young. She has been by my mom's side since she was diagnosed. Andrea was very quickly made a part of our family. She never hesitated to help. She loved our dogs and they loved her. They have a whole routine when she comes over. Andrea made the medical visits fun and comfortable. She helped my mom both physically and mentally. At the start of the colostomy mess, there were a lot of tears shed and we had a lot of difficulty. My mom never felt uncomfortable with Andrea. She was a very important part of my mom being comfortable enough to go out in public with the ostomy. My mom always looked foreword to her visits with Andrea and so did we. She’s funny, she’s sweet, and unbothered by things that most people don’t want to deal with. I don’t know how we could have made it this far if she wasn’t a part of my mom's amazing team. She will forever be a part of our family. I also want to thank my family. I know it’s hard when things happen. I know it’s difficult missing out on work. My mom’s Christmas gift to us was having everyone together for the holidays. That’s the best gift I could’ve asked for. The holidays feel different without having her around but she is with us in spirit. Thank you for being here. And thank you for helping her get this far. It makes me happy knowing she has had such a good family support system for so long. Thank you for being here for me, Hayden and Zev. We love you guys beyond belief. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and my siblings. I apologize if we haven’t gotten back to you. As you can imagine, my phone has been blowing up and I’m having a hard time getting back to everyone in a timely matter but I promise I am working on it. I promise that we are doing okay. I promise that we know how much you all love and care about us and that if we ever need anyone all we have to do is call. To everyone asking, we do plan on having a service. We are unsure of a date yet but we are working on it and will have it out to you soon. Thank you for your understanding and patience. Thank you all for being a part of this journey and thank you for your love. It’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later. Tavey Edelman Just for today, I'd invite you to consider who you might need to reach out to----a friend, a loved one, someone you don't even know who you see in the grocery store---by reaching out, you will not only bless them but you will surely be blessed, as well. Happy Communicating, Shelly  As I ease on into my (gulp) late 50s, I often find myself thinking about the legacy I leave behind. One of my dearest friends on the planet is facing the probability of leaving her earthly body in the not so distant future; yet, every time I talk with her, she still cracks me up (and I think I might do the same for her, too). Yesterday, on my birthday, we had a great chat and a great prayer session. She has been feeling pretty puny, and we talked about how she has prepared her three beautiful kids (now all over 18, but these were kiddos who loved on our three Florida Labs like they were their own, so I can still call them "kids") for grace and mercy after she heads to Heaven to be Jesus's personal jester.
Not surprisingly, the sermon yesterday on the first Sunday of Advent was about being prepared and making preparations. We all get the tree and the gifts and the cards (is anyone else still sending these historical artifacts?) ready for Christmas, but are we truly preparing our hearts for our Higher Power to come along and whisk us away at any given moment? I can most assuredly say that I get caught up in the "temporary trappings of this world" as Nichole Nordeman sings in one of my favorite songs, Legacy (take a listen; you won't be sorry). But when it comes down to it (what is "it"? It's like Curly said in City Slickers, "Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean s***"), those earthly things will mean very little. What is that one thing for you? My one thing is a few things all wrapped up into one----God; my serenity; Dave; my family (including all of our canine members) and friends; my passion for work, love, and life; and a desire to leave behind a legacy that is more than WHAT I did but WHO I am. I know....that's a lot, isn't it? And I can honestly say I stink at some of the legacy part sometimes because I get caught between wanting to make things right and "letting go and letting God". Some things just hurt my heart, and I can't find a way to stay silent about them. Recently, on Facebook (you know wherever this is headed with that intro might not be great----hang on), one of my connections posted a beautiful sentiment about donating her organs after she leaves this earth. Her point was, "I don't need them; I sure hope someone else can". I loved it. Now what could possibly go wrong with this post, right???? Wait for it.....Shortly thereafter, one of her friends posted something to the effect that she was also willing to donate her organs, as long as she could put in a clause that an organ wouldn't be donated to someone from the opposite political party to which she belongs. Yep, and the language was WAY worse than I just said....way worse than even Curly had said. What the what??? I struggled....for a minute.....about whether or not to respond, but I couldn't keep in my feelings about humanity. I simply don't understand how you could turn a beautiful post about a beautiful gift into something so inane (really, worse than inane if you had read the post, but we'll go with that for now). I can promise you right now that anyone, whether you vote the same way I do or not, is welcome to my organs once I leave this earth and go hang out with my Creator, who gave me those organs in the first place! But love wins, doesn't it, because those of us who choose to donate our organs, for instance, may never know (or, who knows? maybe we will) who gets our heart after we're not using it any more. I pray that my heart is worthy. I've talked before about how, when I travel for work, (which is a bunch lately), I try to always tell the gate agents more than a grunt of "hello" as I scan my boarding pass. Instead, I try to remember to tell them that I hope they have an amazing day. The smiles I get (and the surprise on their faces) is worth every brain cell it takes for me to remember to do that. And this morning, as I boarded my flight WAY too early in the morning (after being spoiled and getting to sleep in with Dave and the pups for the past week), one of the flight attendants saw me find my seat then wished me a happy birthday! Good beats bad every time! Thank you for those of you who read this blog. Your notes and responses truly lift me up. I am traveling up to the North Dakota/Minnesota border to teach some administrators this week, and I am so very excited (and prepared, by the way, for the frigid temps of below zero one day) to spread the good news of what good teachers are doing and how good administrators can help them get even better and build relationships at the same time. I pray that you have an eye for the good this week, and fight "bad" with "good". We're building our legacy, minute by minute. Be prepared! Happy Communicating, Shelly  Sometimes, I actually feel silly for being so grateful for the things that make me so happy. For instance, even though I didn't get upgraded on one of my flights home the other evening, there was an empty seat between me and the guy who was sitting by the window. Sounds silly to even type it, but as soon as that boarding door shut, he and I both looked at each other with sly looks that clearly indicated we were not going to have to be squished together like bugs or have to jockey for the armrest. By the way, there needs to be a protocol to which everyone on planes adheres about armrests. If you have a middle seat, you are already packed in like a sardine. So why don't we aisle and window people give "middle seat guy" a break and give them the arm rest? But wait! If we do that, then they will end up with two armrests while window and aisle people would only get one. Whaaaaat? That can't be right, can it? But, really, why can't it? (I'm so afraid this portion of my blog is going to get more traction than the point about being grateful). I got home from Washington, DC on Wednesday night (late----I didn't get back home until midnight, and then I have to decompress for a few minutes by reading in bed before I can fall asleep). I got to sleep in for just a bit on Thursday morning, but on Friday, I had to teach a webinar all day. Saturday morning felt (I don't know another word to use except this one, so hang with me, please) "delicious", as I didn't have to get up for anything. I still can't stay in bed past a certain time of the morning (I refuse to state that time, or, once again, I fear my blog topic will morph into the proper wake-up times for "sleeping-in" days), but having the choice made so much difference in my world! Curling up in our comfy bed with comforters, duvets, and lots of pillows (plus two Labs who allow us to sleep in the bed rent-free) just feels perfect after traveling almost every single week the last couple of months. While I have been traveling, Dave has been perfecting the fine art of making banana bread. While we watched church from our bed this morning, I had hot chocolate and a piece of Dave's banana bread. It might be sinful, but I prefer to believe it was heaven sent, just as Dave is in the first place. For his special recipe, you will have to take it up with him. I just want the loaves to keep coming. It is truly divine, I can tell you that much! While I am gone for work during so many weeks this fall, I frequently have found that there are so many times that I just miss the pups so very much. Dave is so great about sending me pictures or videos of LC chasing butterflies, or deer, or her latest need for a conquest ---- armadillos. She'll get near one; the armadillo goes down it's hole, then LC is beside herself wondering what in the world to do from there. All the while, Kirby is doing his own thing---walking around urinating on bushes and trees to mark his territory. They are just so much fun to watch. Getting to read a book for pleasure has become one of my most highly coveted pastimes. Just because I am crazy busy does not keep me from reading a few pages to a couple of chapters every single night. What do I read? I love fiction dramas (Jodi Picoult and Chris Bohjalian are two of my favorite authors who tend to deal with current-even inspired ethical dilemmas), murder mysteries, legal thrillers and action/fast-paced novels of almost any type. I'm always open to hearing about your favorite authors in any of these authors or genres, by the way. Spending a few minutes at night before bedtime reading the current book I'm reading helps me relax (along with a couple of Twizzlers and a couple of caramel-filled Werther's) and might also help round out the craziness of the day's Uber drive to or from the airport or flight to or from a venue. Simple pleasures? Seems like it might be truly simple and almost just this side of trite. But I think, if looked at it another way, it's easy to see that viewing the simple things in life as gratitude builders helps me not get so wrapped around the axle about the little things that could become grains of sand that get inside my bathing suit. I prefer the former, for sure. So, what is it for you? What are those little things that keep you from taking life too seriously? Please share some with me! I would love to hear them!! Happy Communicating! Shelly I was boarding my flight to ..... well, somewhere, recently (I can't remember as I have been traveling a bunch and the flights tend to run together), and I was in my lane (stay in your lane, right?) to board and talking to the gentleman behind me, when another guy walked right past us and got in front of us. I don't know about you, but even if I have priority boarding, I need that overhead bin space, and if you are any further back than Group 2 (or whatever your airline chooses to call the 2nd group---by colors, numbers, favorite dog breeds, whatever...), you may or may not have room for your suitcase in the overhead bin. I abhor checking my bag, and I avoid it like the plague, so for people to "cut" in line kinda irritates me. Apparently, the guy I was talking to felt the same way, because he said, "Hey, there's a line for Group 1 back here for a reason!" pretty loudly. The guy who had zipped past us turned around just in time for us to see how he was dressed, and he said, "You probably want me on the plane. I'm the co-pilot". {Oops!!} While I was ever so grateful I hadn't shared my thoughts aloud, the guy behind me said, "Well, maybe he should have just said, 'Excuse me; I need to get past, as I'm the co-pilot for your flight'." We make assumptions all the time, don't we? I've heard the very typical ones said about people who are homeless or nearly there by others that see them, saying, "Oh look! He has a cell phone and he's begging for money" or "If he can stand on both feet, he should be able to get a job". What we aren't realizing is that we don't know all of anyone's story....unless of course we are willing to ask or sit and talk with them. I talked a couple of years ago about starting a ministry at our church in Tucson in which Dave and I started out taking bags of water, fruit, nutrition bars, etc. down to downtown Tucson and passing them out. We got to know a guy named Bernard, who actually gave Dave an orange (it makes me smile to think about it now) in an effort to "repay" us for our kindness, only to yell at us to go away the next week we brought down more bags for more people. Some other folks that spent their nights in that same park said to us, "Don't mind Bernard. He's just crazy!" and they took our bags of food and water. I still think about Bernard. Did we make him mad? Was he so mentally ill he couldn't remember our kindness from the week before? Our thoughts begat other thoughts as well. We wondered why those folks simply didn't go to a homeless shelter that was less than a half block away. When we asked questions, we found out that the shelters had pretty firm policies (rightfully so, of course) on "no drugs" (and some of these folks were so addicted to marijuana or other drugs, they didn't have the capacity on their own volition to stop). They also had curfews, and some of the mentally ill folks felt more comfortable out at night than they did being out during the day. I think I know a few college students like that, don't you?? I think what I learned and am still learning, one day at a time, is that I don't know what someone else is going through, and to make assumptions about them or their situation is judgement that I have no business doing. In fact, to go back to my initial story, I need to simply "stay in my lane". Just for today, maybe instead of making assumptions about people, we might ask questions to show we care. I pray blessings on each one of you who reads this. Happy Communicating! Shelly   Two little words (in English...other languages simplify it even further). And yet, we don't often say it enough. I was traveling to New York two weeks ago for work, and, as I boarded one of my flights, I scanned my phone's boarding pass and said, "Thank you so much for your cheerfulness this morning" to the gate agent. He perked up (even more, which I wasn't sure had been possible) and said, "You're welcome, and I hope you have the most wonderful day". As I started down the jetbridge, I heard Mr. Grumpy Gills (a.k.a. the man boarding behind me) literally grunt to the gate agent. But why? He wasn't feeling it? If he was the anomaly, that would be one thing, but I hear nothing, grunts, or muffled 'yeah's all the time when I travel. What is so hard about saying those words?
Dave makes fun of me because all the people at the Sonic in our small town seem to know me by name (my friends in Niceville, Florida will not be shocked by this at all). We "God bless you" to each other when I pick up my Coke Zero for the day, and they are appreciative of the tips they get. I wonder if it is because they usually have to deal with the relatives and friends of Mr. Grumpy Gills from the airport. I get down on my knees on a little stool my mother used (to use to get into bed or to reach into a higher cupboard) every morning to pray to God that I can at least try to be the person He wants me to be. I fail miserably sometimes, but I figure I have a fighting chance if I ask for help. At mealtimes and other times, Dave and I pray for thanks for all we have been given, even when we have loved ones who are suffering or have passed away. Yesterday morning, I asked Dave if he still walks around our brand new home we built in the hill country of Texas this past year, saying, "Wow! We are so blessed to live in this beautiful home". He said, quite honestly, that he doesn't always think to do that. He, on the other hand, is so very grateful for the time he gets to spend on the golf course, having retired from work 6 years ago. I am goofy, and I still walk in my library and say, "I love that I can see all my books for the first time in my life. Thank you!" Maybe I travel so much for work that when I am home, I see the beauty in what we have here. Dave sees the beauty in a bird(ie). See what I did there? Today, I am grateful for so many things:
Happy Communicating!! Shelly  I admit that I tend to get some of the best ideas for talking to you all from the internet, inspirational posts on Facebook and from church, as well. Today's message in church had much to do with not always being willing to the voices that tell me to become more active in church or to slow down enough in the craziness I can make of my work or health issues to even hear what might be good advice. I was thinking about possums who play dead so that they might not be hurt, or maybe because they say, "I just don't want to be bothered". I do feel like that sometimes. I know the voices or pokes or taps are telling me to listen to that still, small voice that says either to relax from to much work or to spring into action to help others.
My two best examples of either side of that coin include the following:
I think we have to be true to ourselves and be true to our physical, emotional, spiritual, and all other forms of well-being. I think I am ready to travel again for work the next two weeks, for which I am eternally grateful. I am also grateful I have a husband who is my "not so small voice" when I need to get a sanity check. Thirty years of marriage have taught him that I am pretty stubborn when it comes to wanting to do the best I can with my career, but he also will not allow me, the possum, to play dead when he wants to ensure I am keeping safe and healthy. What are you doing to keep yourself open to the "right" voices to hear while not being so rigid that you shut down from all voices? Just for today, remember to listen for messages that are likely there for a reason. Happy Communicating, Shelly  I have been doing a lot of traveling for work. Yes, our two Labrador Retrievers start moping around the house when the suitcase comes out. I have been going from state to state, city to city, district to district, school to school, and educator to educator. I have learned, firsthand, what so many teachers felt at the height of COVID----teaching was so incredibly hard when teachers were meeting their students online (even Kinder kiddos!). Teachers got creative, and I feel the same way. With a synchronous/online course I taught for my alma mater, I found out that if I had everyone create their own Google slide that had a favorite piece of music, pictures of their families, and other interests represented by memes or gifs. Each day we met, I would start the day (did I mention that this course started at 8:00 a.m. each morning?) with one of their slides put up as a Powerpoint slide, playing the song they had chosen. This did a couple of things: it allowed us into that person's personal life, but it also truly got students wanting to get to class on time so they wouldn't miss their own or someone else's slide.
I admit that I typically rely a bit on my sense of humor (no, I'm far from a comedian, but I do enjoy laughing with people and am not afraid to be self-deprecating in order to build a relationship), and I am so very passionate about the work I do in helping educators and educational leaders improve and hone their craft. One of the most important pieces is the willingness to be vulnerable enough in order to build relationships with others. I taught in Michigan the other day. I'll be honest. I do not typically LOVE working with really large groups because I can't get around to talking to every single person in a personal manner by the end of the day. I had 75 participants.....honestly out of my comfort zone a little bit, but I was ready, willing, and able. I talked to all of these teachers about how I tried to demonstrate my own vulnerability with my staff when I was a principal through various methods: asking "experts" in content areas to lead workshops on a particular topic; honestly talking to the teachers about how we were learning a new plan for growth together----I didn't know any more than they did; answering questions with things like, "I'm not sure the answer to your question, but I promise you I will find out" and then the kicker is to actually follow-through on that. Within 15 minutes of the workshop I was teaching, I noticed one participant disengaged....texting on her phone, writing notes to another participant, etc. (pretty much everything that we, as teachers, would never allow in our own classroom, right? :) ). I walked over to her table, using subtle proximity as a strategy first. It didn't seem to have an effect. When they were asked to write the answer to a question on a post-it note, she didn't write anything. I walked over to her and asked, "Do you need a post-it note?" She said, "No" and reluctantly grabbed a post-it note. Again, this was out of 75 people. Almost everyone else seemed to be participating fully in each activity they were cognitively engaged in. I did notice that, at one point, when I asked them to move around to form groups of participants in a random fashion (that's for another blog, for sure), she seemed to become more engaged and talked a bit more with her group. I heard another teacher was complaining about the task I had asked them to do when I walked past her table. I knelt down beside her and asked her what she taught. She said she taught Language Arts but hadn't been given the new curriculum materials for the new year yet. I asked what she was planning to do on the first day of school if she still didn't have her materials. She said she knew the standards and she would begin teaching lessons that would fall in that realm of the missing textbooks she had yet to lay eyes on (don't get me started on how frustrating this is to teachers). I asked her to read a quote aloud to the rest of the group, and she did-----loud and proud. I walked over to thank her and we fist-bumped. I knew, then, that we had begun the first stages of forming a relationship, which would be critical to having her do the work vs. complaining about it. That scenario played out even better than I had hoped. She even asked me for my email and website address, so Julie, if you are reading this, I'm bragging about you. Relationships between school leaders and teachers are vital if principals want their teachers to "follow" them into new changes, servant leadership styles, and into collaborating with each other on grade levels, etc. Relationships between teachers and students are just as important. As the quote that has been attributed to several people says, "They won't care what you know until they know that you care." I care. I really care. I don't just care about teaching school leaders how to evaluate their teachers, but I work with schools in an effort to build trust among all staff members and students. Knowing peoples' names is a huge part of that, in my humble opinion. If you remember my name after working with me one day, I am impressed with that. How are you building relationships in your schools or in your own workplace? I'd love to hear your own ideas. Happy Communicating! Shelly  As the Beatles sang in 1964, money can't buy you love (Can't Buy Me Love). Take a listen by clicking on that link if you want to get happy. What do you think of that statement? It sure doesn't keep people from trying, does it? What about the people who have been marginalized or stuck in poverty their entire lives? Wouldn't some money buy them some happiness if they had a place to live and the knowledge that they will have food on their table, assuming they have a table?
Read a little bit about Maslow's Hierarchy of Basic Needs, and you will most certainly find that, without safety, food, and shelter, there is little likelihood that someone will be able to find any self-worth, self-esteem, or, most certainly, any self-actualization. I have a friend who talks about living out of her car for about a year, and she said she was just grateful to have a car. Most of us can't even imagine living in such a state in which we don't know from where our next meal might come. So, for people in poverty like that, having some money would most certainly allow for the ability to focus on a bit of happiness and a lot less fear. We've all, most likely, heard of studies about money and happiness. Most of those studies show that money doesn't actually do the job of buying happiness. One study showed that, past an annual family income of $75,000, there is a law of diminishing returns. In other words, past that, you likely don't get any happier if you make $300,000 than if you make 1/3 of that (hush---I know the math isn't exact----it wasn't meant to be a word problem----don't judge). But $75,000 is a world away from what people who are homeless or living in the abject poverty are likely experiencing. What about those of us who might not have bought the ticket in Chicago that just made someone a billionaire last night in the Mega Millions jackpot? Are you unhappy about not winning? Is that person going to be happier? I would bet a good bit (not that it would make me happier if I won the bet....just sayin') that the person is extremely elated today. But, I mean that is just "stupid money", as Dave calls it, as it is money that we can't even fathom ever needing or having enough wants to spend it on. But we've also all heard of those lottery winners who squander their winnings and actually end up in debt. That doesn't sound very cheery to me. So, what is it that makes you happy? For me, it is my loved ones (in addition to my serenity and spirituality, which, for me, go without saying). Dave and I have been traveling with the pups this week, and we had the chance to go back to Florida, where we lived for 17 years. We visited with friends who Dave worked with; friends I worked with; and other friends who we spent a lot of time with (some we called our AKC club ---- All Kids Canine----as none of us had human children). Our main purpose was to visit with one of my dearest friends (truly my soul sister) on the planet to talk about life and death as she traverses one of the toughest journeys any one of us could ever face (have I mentioned how much I hate cancer with a passion?). She and I got to hug and love on each other and talk about what comes next. Kelly is someone with whom I worked and who made work a place of laughter----I mean, laugh out loud, from the belly, laughter-----with just a look or a quip. We spent one entire evening catching up with work and play friends. Lance, who was the PE teacher when I was the principal at Edge Elementary School, and I got to talk about how much fun working together on the bus ramp was. He happens to be one of the people that so added to the culture of the best elementary school in the world (it's not biased if it's true, right?) by his mere presence and sense of camaraderie. We still text each other silly jokes, and it's been 10 years since I resigned. One of my former co-workers (I truly did feel we were all working together, despite me having the title of principal) told me she loved that I told her I loved her about 6 times in the approximately 2 hours we spent together. I told the teachers with whom I worked that I brag about them all the time when I am teaching educators and educational leaders (I tell them about how Jil used the death of a little boy's grandmother as an example of how a character in a story felt and had her students write on whiteboards a feeling word the student likely felt; I tell them about how Brandi talked to her students like they were her own children; I tell them about how Jenny used puppets to help her teach certain Kinder concepts; I tell them about how Angelle was likely the world's best Writer's Workshop facilitator; I tell them about how Shelley used hula-hoops to teach her 5th graders about Venn diagrams; and I tell them about how the person most people would have called "my secretary", Cindy, has become like a big sister to me. She and her hubby are who Dave and I (and the pups) stayed with while we were there, and she is likely one of the biggest confidantes I've ever had in my life. If something ever happens to Dave, she will very likely be one of the first people next to me, helping me with anything and everything that needs to be done. These are "my people", and they make me happy. Have I ever mentioned that I am a textbook introvert? Despite being extremely passionate about presenting workshops, keynotes, webinars, and classes for people all over the world about education and cultures of trust in the workplace, I am a classic introvert. Most people confuse "extrovert" with being able to be around tons of people. I am "able" to be around 25 of my closest friends whom I love and adore, and I can say at the end of a day of teaching, "That was the best day ever" because we laughed and joked so much, but I still am an introvert. Why? Being an introvert or extrovert is about from where we derive our energy, not where we expend it. I derive my energy from sitting on the porch of the mountain "cabin" of one of my dearest friends from college (thank you, Cid), reading a book, sitting and listening to the wind as it rustles the leaves, or hearing the sound of the Blue Ridge train as it choo-choos through the mountains. Being alone or with one other person (Dave or another one of "my people") gives me just the energy needed to be revved up and ready to teach in a couple of weeks in Nebraska, then virtually, then in Wyoming----all in one week. And that, my friends, is what makes me happy. The temporary trappings of this world are pretty darn tempting, for sure, and I get caught up in that more frequently than I would like to admit to you. However, the feeling of my heart growing two sizes when able to spend quality time with my quality people is a feeling that is second to none. What makes you happy? I would love to hear your happiness generators, if you would be willing to share. In the meantime, I pray you are with people you love and doing what you love to do and were not counting on winning the Mega Millions in order to become happy. Happy Communicating, Shelly  I admit there is a bit of irony in me writing a blog about asking for help, as I am historically challenged in this area of my life. However, I also believe we, as writers, are often drawn to subjects about which we need the most help. So, here goes.
"You can't always get what you want", crooned the Rolling Stones, "but you get what you need" (You can click on the band's name if you need a refresher of the song). I think this is so true in so many aspects of my own life, and perhaps yours as well. Notably, I have changed my tune about prayer in the last few decades. I used to pray for sick friends to get healthy; I used to pray that God would get me out of a sticky situation; I used to pray for worldly things. That first one is likely to stir up a bit of controversy (what doesn't, these days, so I might as well go for it, right?), as many people do this in their daily prayer life----pray for the sick to get well. Here is my reasoning behind not doing that. When we pray for people to get well, then they die, does that mean we didn't do a good enough job praying? If the person does get well, and we say "They beat cancer", did they have better prayers for them? And what does that say about all the people who passed away from cancer? Their prayer partners weren't close enough to God? They weren't spiritually strong enough to "beat cancer"? I actually think that is a pile of bologna (it really would sound better if we spelled it the way it sounds, wouldn't it?). So, what do I do, instead? I always pray for peace and serenity for the person or family while they traverse whatever is going on in their lives, because they are going to live or die depending on whether God needs them here on earth or by His side (that's my belief, anyway; you have your own, I know). I just don't believe that anything happens by accident. I do believe we have free will, but I also believe that no matter how great our prayer warriors are or how "strongly" I try to fight cancer, I may still die, and that is not the fault of my prayer warriors' or my own spiritual fitness or lack thereof. I pray for the peace that passes all understanding as my loved ones go through whatever the journey is that is playing out in their lives. I pray for serenity to encompass the person/family while they travel the tough spots ahead. So, do I ask for God's help? Every single solitary morning. I get down on my knees, while I am nose-to-nose with L.C. or Kirby (or both, sometimes), and I ask God to help me let go of my own self-will and give it up to Him, because I have found over the course of my lifetime that my own thinking about what is "right" can be pretty flawed, but God's wisdom, while it might not be what I want, is exactly what is planned out for me. That is true acceptance. Despite all of that, I still have to ask for help, as so many do at times. I have to pick up the phone and talk to a spiritual advisor when facing tough decisions, and that phone can feel like it weighs 1000 pounds at times. I often feel like I am burdening someone with asking, when in retrospect, people who are asked typically attest to feeling even better for having been able to help someone else. I was talking with my graduate students (teachers who are on the road to getting their degree in order to become principals), and many have said they don't like asking for help, but they know they need to do it, because principals simply cannot do all the work required of them by themselves. I learned this lesson myself as a school leader. I learned that, sometimes, by asking for help and using distributed leadership, I could build future leaders. I learned that, sometimes, asking people to step up to a challenge was exactly what they needed in the first place to become better in their own craft. My graduate students and I have also been talking about how we can support new teachers in induction programs. Many of these beginning teachers don't even know what they don't know, so they wouldn't know what to ask for in the first place. When I asked my students what would have helped them the most when they were new to the education field, most everyone mentioned needing/wanting a mentor....someone they could go to who would never judge their seemingly stupid or naive questions....someone who would provide resources that they think the new person needs without even being asked. Dave and I will very soon celebrate 30 years of marriage together. For that, I am eternally grateful. He has taught me so much in life and love, but one of the best skills he ever taught me was about how to ask for something I needed or wanted. If I wanted to request a room upgrade at the hotel where I was staying, he taught me to ask in a really respectful or funny way. For example, he will say, "Any chance you have the penthouse suite all ready for us?" The desk agent laughs. Dave continues, "Okay, maybe that isn't available, but might there be an upgrade in our future?" Sometimes the answer is "yes" and sometimes it's "no" (I would go into the benefits or higher probability of the answer being a "yes" when you stick with a hotel chain out of loyalty----they will typically be loyal to you, as well, but that is a whole other blog for a whole other time), but Dave's famous last words are, "It never hurts to ask". So very well said, my wise husband. It never hurts to ask. Whether we are ailing mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally; whether we need directions (that is likely a whole other blog, as well); whether we need some support from our friends as we navigate a post-surgery experience; whether we are new to a position and need some answers, the first step is to ASK for help. I pray that you will be able to find peace and serenity today, and that, if it feels elusive, we ask for help from our Higher Power. I would love to know what you ask for, what you need, or any stories of asking and receiving. Happy Communicating!! Shelly |
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