There are no shortcuts to good listening

     In conducting a workshop with some really amazing school leaders in Albuquerque, I presented some listening skills, some research behind them, and some practical ways to use them. They then practiced them with a partner. One of our topics was concerning multitasking. While some people believe that multitasking is simply a part of our daily lives, one participant shared research that when we try to multitask, we actually lessen our productivity. He said he couldn't name the study that proved this, but I had to find it.  In Forbes magazine, Bradberry (2014) noted the Stanford study that actually bore out the notion that multitasking lowers IQ. Sound crazy?  Why? Because you do it all the time?  Yep, me too.
     In discussing good listening skills, I talk about two major pieces: the literal listening to the words that are said and the less obvious, more subliminal listening skills like body language and relationship factors that play a huge part.  One of those listening skills we were all taught to do in the late 80s or early 90s was all about paraphrasing.  You know what I mean, right? (If not, I'm totally dating myself) It was actually a counseling technique taught by many therapists.  Here's the scenario:
Me: I feel like we never go on dates anymore.
Dave: So, what I hear you saying is you feel like we never go on dates anymore.
Uggh!  When people "parrot-phrase" instead of actually paraphrasing, it simply says that they heard the exact words you said. 
Picture this alternate scenario:
Me: I feel like we never go on dates anymore.
Dave: You think we should take some time to go out together and forget about work more often.
Do you see the difference?  In the first scenario, Dave is just repeating back what I said, which only says he heard my WORDS, but it doesn't show that he hears or "gets" my MEANING.  In the second scenario, when he paraphrases (without that inane, "What I hear you saying" phrase), he says what he thinks I said.  I can then clarify, "Well, I'm not sure we'll ever totally forget about work, but yes, I want more "us" time." It allows me to clarify what I really meant, not just what I SAID. 
I've been thinking a lot about how school leaders can use this skill when working with teachers after watching a few minutes of teaching.  Picture this:
Teacher: I am troubled by not being able to get all my students to be engaged in the learning. Some of them tune me out.
Principal: So, you're feeling frustrated by the inability to harness their engagement during the lesson. 
Teacher: Yes! I'm looking for some new engagement strategies, I guess.
Principal: Well, let's work on that a bit.
     This paraphrasing allows the teacher to do the reflecting and get to the possible root of the problem in order to begin searching for solutions.
     And then the conversation can continue with some consulting by the principal, with the conversation ending with an agreement about what next steps the teacher wishes to take, based on the conference.  As I write this, I am thinking about how conversations like this would alleviate teachers leaving reflection conferences feeling like they were just talked AT, not talked WITH.
     The best part of the day with the Albuquerque school leaders was at the end of the practice exercise in which partners practiced all the listening skills we had covered.  When we debriefed the activity, I asked for partners to share how they felt during their conversations. People said they felt "validated", "listened to", "cared about". One participant summarized it so beautifully by saying he felt "comfortable". I asked him to elaborate. He said, "The conversation just flowed because we were using all the skills you just talked about."  He continued by saying, "The best part was I had never met my partner before five minutes ago. Now I feel like I have a new colleague and friend."  Wow!! 
Just for today, perhaps practice good listening skills in your own work and in your own personal relationships. Who knows? It might get you a really great date night!

Happy Communicating,

Shelly