Judgement

Today is judgement day. Okay, hang on. No freaking out. Please don't start trying to get your affairs in order. Just keep reading so you can hear me out. It is judgement day for me, because I need it. I have had a LOT of things going on in my life lately that are either connected....or not. Actually, it doesn't matter. All I know is I feel like I have been dealing with a lot of health related issues, work craziness, and a ton of students who I am mentoring in graduate courses, as student teachers, or through their doctorate as they work on their dissertations. Aside from a couple of weighty (no pun intended, but I wouldn't mind losing about 15 pounds) health scares/issues lately, most of the things I have been dealing with are pretty great. Work for me is not taxing except when I make it that way. In other words I find myself over-committing to work, either by accepting too many consulting jobs or taking on too many graduate courses to teach or even by accepting too many student teachers to watch/supervise each semester. What happens when I take on too much? The scales seem to tip in the direction of having too little time to keep me spiritually fit, to keep me patient with my dear loved ones (yes, even the hubby and dogs I miss so much when I am traveling for work) or stressing about getting prepared for the next job. Does that cause health problems? I don't know if it causes them, but I sure know it can't help. 
What I have found is when I am working too hard or worrying too much (or "borrowing trouble", as my beautiful spiritual advisor reminds me), I begin looking outward at what is wrong around me instead of focusing on how I can heal myself. Since I broke my wrist in July, I had talked about the need to slow down, which I am not positive I did such a hot job of doing, and I believe it has taken its toll on my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health. When I am not on my healthy "game", I tend to face outward about the problems in my life. The consequence of that is I can get snippy and even rude to people I don't even know or people I love. One such example was writing a nasty-gram to a property "host" we were going to use to rent a place in Tucson for a month in the winter. He did a really poor job of communicating the full cost of what we were going to pay, and Dave and I got frustrated. Even after we were "over it" and done and knew we weren't going to rent one of his properties, I felt the need to take a dig at his miscommunication. While I thought my sarcastic remark about his lack of respect, honesty, or professionalism was likely "true", it was something I don't believe God called me to do. 
In church today, I heard a few truths that I needed to hear and ponder on for a little bit. I'd like to share those with you, as they might help you as well if you find yourself in the same judgement boat as I was in.

1. I should resist the temptation to lash out in hurtful ways, even if I think it might be warranted.
2. My expectations of other people (i.e. "What he SHOULD have done was....") are simply pre-determined resentments. I am simply setting myself up to be resentful when I expect people (strangers or loved ones) to act or speak in a certain way. 
3. Not one time has God called me to be judge and jury of someone else's behavior. While it is tempting (there's that evil word again---it's like Whack-a-mole in which a temptation crops right back up just as soon as I feel I have tamped one right down), it is not my place to make judgements of others' behavior, even if I don't like it.
4. Harping on people has not typically ever changed their behavior and it only serves to frustrate me more when they don't do it the right way (which, of course, is my way). I have too many examples of times I have thought I would simply tell someone something in an effort to "teach them a lesson" when they likely just blew off what I said in the first place. So, who was that helping, anyway? Sounds like a lose-lose to me. 
5. As a spiritual woman of great faith, I believe that what might be okay for others who don't have some sort of spiritual program they are working on to act as a "child of God", is NOT okay for me to do. I truly have to hold myself to a higher standard. Why? I believe that, too often, people without any sort of faith are looking for reasons to solidify their belief that they don't need any sort of Higher Power. When I act like a child throwing a tantrum, I am likely simply confirming their belief that I am a hypocrite. Uggghhhhh....that is the opposite of what I want to portray.
6. Finally, I need to continually ask myself: Who do I want to be? Whose do I want to be? I know that, for me, my faith tells me that I am a child of God and I need to act like one. When I am tempted to judge, I need to look to God, to Dave, to my spiritual advisors, etc. to provide me with some answers to help me find and maintain serenity and peace. Most of the time, the things that I am letting eat my lunch (and I'm doing intermittent fasting, so I should avoid those anyway, right? :) ) are things that won't matter a month from now, a week from now, a day from now, sometimes even an hour from now.

It's judgement day, and I am sharing my vulnerability with you to say that I am sorry to any of you (who I know or do not know) whom I have harmed by my thoughts, words or actions. I am definitely a hot mess at times, but I promise I am working on myself, so I can be someone who God is proud to call His own.

What is it that gets under your skin? How do you remain steadfast in your journey to be a good and faithful servant? 
Please share your stories and insights with me.
Happy Communicating,
​Shelly

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