When I look back on my life (from childhood to my mid- to late-50s), I often ponder where I learned certain things. For instance, my sweet Mother (who died in 2005) used to tell me that when we, as humans, are in a "funk", we likely need to "act as if...." if we are going to be attractive to others (friends, new relationships, etc.). This was, not surprisingly, first taught to me after my first REAL (what does that even mean? I'm still wondering about that, to be honest) boyfriend broke up with me. Not only my mother told me "We all have an aura about us at all times, and if your aura is putting out bad mojo, you are likely not going to be overly attractive to other boys who might otherwise have an interest in you". Ironically (or maybe not so ironic when you really think about it), my 8th grade science teacher (who was also my uber-strict bus driver), when I was a hot mess (sobbing all morning the day after said break-up), started walking over to me (and I thought, "Here goes....he's going to tell me to go to the bathroom and get my crap together") and leaned over and whispered these words I have never forgotten, "He's one of MANY fish in the sea, and you are going to attract so many other bigger and better fish than you could ever imagine, so my advice is to let this one go." Wow! What a way to dry up my tears out of sheer astonishment. The supposed Grinch truly had a heart, and he picked me to show how much he cared. That teacher died many years ago, but his words still remind me to keep the main thing the main thing. Who did you learn life lessons from? Was it from a mom and dad who gave you some semblance of a normal upbringing and you even had grandmothers and grandfathers who also passed down words of wisdom? My childhood would, by many, be categorized as "the illustration when you look up the word 'dysfunction'", which is not to say that anyone did anything bad to me except to do the best they could when they did it and did better when they knew better (I'm butchering Maya Angelou's words something awful, but you get the gist. When I travel around the world working with teachers and educational leaders, I often tell them, "You're going to hear me sing out some call-and-response examples, and I am going to ring chimes because I am the 'victim' of being birthed by two AMAZINGLY talented musicians. My dad was a band director for 40+ years, and my mom was a concert pianist." That part of my genetics and my upbringing are pretty ingrained in me, so I'm sorry if that isn't something that my modeling is something you could or would use in your own teaching. When I go visit my dad in the nursing home (for lack of a better term), he loves to hear if I worked with the band directors in the district where I just was working. I love talking to Daddy's "people" and using band and choir (and other non-traditional) examples of what good teaching looks like and sounds like. All of this above to say what I wonder about: if a single parent, who was the solid rock and foundation of, say, three kids, dies prematurely, how much of what she has instilled in those kids going to stick with them the rest of their lives. Or, maybe for those of us who are wondering, are we supposed to swoop in and linger to help with the questions young adults might face since their mom is no longer around to answer said questions? Those in the know obviously know I am not asking hypothetically or rhetorically, but am truly wondering, "How much of what this rock-solid-faith-based Christian mom taught and modeled for her three beautiful children going to stick with them if she isn't there anymore to answer some of life's difficult questions or help be a moral compass when (not if) needed? One of my favorite contemporary Christian artists, Nichole Nordeman, sings a song called "Legacy" (click on the title to hear the Youtube version of her singing this acoustically) which epitomizes what I believe to be my role in life (since, partly because, Dave and I don't have human children of our own. What is my legacy for my beautiful 37 year old niece if I were to pass away tomorrow? What about for her daughter, who I feel such a kinship with but we don't see each other all the time? What would my 5 year old niece say about my passing, as we are currently navigating the waters of becoming extremely close (we are currently looking forward to her second time in 6 months of staying the night with Dave and me without her parents----to include watching Scooby Doo in bed with popcorn and M&Ms)? Maybe it's a bit of my ego wondering what is said about me after I'm gone, but I do hope and pray that there will be a grain of wisdom, humor, passion for everything I do in my career and fierce affection/love that people will say about me. I may be "a lot" for some people, and that is truly okay if I have made an impact on any of the beings with whom I have taught, counseled, mentored through their doctorate, loved, and admired. Fun fact: My mother, who was a self-proclaimed atheist for most all of her adult life, had a St. Francis of Assisi statue in her garden or in the woods near her, because she truly worshipped nature and animals much more so than us humans. As our Episcopal priest preached about how St. Francis was one of her favorite saints, I started bawling like a big baby, thinking about how I pray that Mother gets a regular chance to chat with St. Francis. In the same sermon, Jamie (our priest) taught us that although the word "blessing" in our language typically means something that is tangible or real that we have been given. In Hebrew and other languages and religions, blessed is more translated as "ashar" meaning "to find the right and straight road". In addition, the word "blessed" is translated also in Hebrew as "to kneel or stoop down to God". I love this translation, as the work I do with teachers and school leaders focuses so much on relationships. In fact, in the Danielson Framework for Teaching (for whom I am one of selected international Danielson consultants), we talk about kneeling down next to a student as one of the best ways to show respect for and build rapport with students (Danielson, 2013). I happen to love when my "work beliefs" directly correlate with my "spiritual beliefs". How do we bless others? How are we blessed by others? I'd love to hear your thoughts on what wisdom you have gotten from others and how it has changed you. Why? Because I want your learning to help me learn. Happy Communicating, Shelly Danielson, C. (2013). The Framework for Teaching: Evaluation Instrument. Princeton, NJ; The Danielson Group.
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Have you ever had one of those days in which everything seems to go askew? Wait a minute. I meant to say: when was the last time you had one of those days... Everyone has them. It isn't just a matter of if, but rather when. When I have a day like that, it seems like it is usually when I am traveling. One such day that comes to mind was a few years ago (it would be perfectly natural to assume one hasn't happened since then, but that wouldn't be correct) when Dave and I were traveling back home from a two-week trip to Europe right before we were to be moving from Florida to Arizona. We arrived to Charles De Gaulle Airport in Paris, checked in then went to the gate. As we stood there, waiting to board, a notification appeared saying the flight was delayed, then just as quickly changed to "Flight cancelled". Uh-oh! No, no, no. Our flight from Paris to Atlanta couldn't be cancelled because Dave had to get back to Florida to meet the movers who would soon be packing our entire house for our move to Arizona. On top of that, I was supposed to be flying to a school district in Florida to do a keynote and break-out sessions for them. Dave and I quickly scurried to find a gate agent who could help us. I ended up changing my flight that would end up getting me to my training location the night before my training. Dave ended up not getting home until extremely late the night before the movers arrived early the next morning. It seems that all would be fine. But wait! There's more (like a Ginsu knife commercial without the knives, and Murphy's Law has ownership over times like these)! The next morning, I was in Orlando (which, miraculously, was where I was supposed to be), preparing for my keynote and I notice that my powerpoint was missing some slides. Scratch that: a bunch of them. I was about two hours away from presenting and I had very little on my slidedeck. My heart was pounding and I started sweating. Some might mistake these signs for being in love, but no. It definitely a thump-thump but no loving feeling was attached to it. If you have lost something big from your computer, you know the wave of panic I felt. Side note: I have a dear friend with whom I got my doctorate who lost all of her material from her computer as she was 3/4 of the way finished. Not great. I was experiencing conflicting messages: one that said, "Freak out and take everybody with you!" and one that said, "This, too, shall pass." I chose to listen to the first message for several minutes until a still, small voice said, "Take this opportunity to re-do your presentation." After all, I knew the message I wanted to present, I had some of the slides, and I had the printed material the participants would have. I took a deep (read: enormous) breath, and got to work. One hour later (with minutes to spare before I was "on"), I had a new powerpoint presentation which, admittedly, was rushed but a better product than I had before. The key ideas that I learned from this experience were: 1. Don't getting bogged down in self-pity (for too long, anyway) 2. Start by taking some action 3. Use the experience as a learning opportunity (have I mentioned I now have an "auto-save" feature on my computer, now?) I am extremely grateful for the re-do opportunities I have been given in my life. Yes, I have often had to be tapped on the shoulder in order to jumpstart the re-do, but the choices were mine to take or ignore. Some of them include: *Choosing to move into an educational leadership position almost 20 years ago *Dave and I chose to move to Tucson 10 years ago to "do something new" and then moved to Texas 2 years ago to build on our "what if someday" land in the hill country *I chose to quit drinking and become more "present" in my life over 25 years ago What have been yours? I would love to hear your stories and the lessons you've learned! Check out this great song by Francesca Battistelli that pretty much sums up life to me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe4SckesWLE Happy Communicating!! (and now I am going to save my work) :) Well, I suppose that since the name of my website and blog are about communication, I should show my vulnerability about certain pieces of advice about communication.
The morning of the colonoscopy (it was scheduled a bit later in the day than I would prefer, but you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit (I learned that gem from the best Kindergarten teachers in the world)), Dave and I were in the surgery center. I already had the IV inserted, and we were simply waiting "my turn", hoping and praying that they clean the instruments with a clear surgical precision. Just as the nurse came in to put the first dose of "happy juice" in my IV (you know, the stuff they give you before they wheel you back and knock you out completely), my phone dinged. Before Dave and I prayed for the doc's healing hands to be upon me, I (just like Pavlov's dog) was drawn to my phone. I opened it, and there was a text message. I wasn't planning on opening the whole message, but I just wanted to see who it was from and if it might be important (like more important than going back for a surgical procedure? I know----don't judge----read my last blog if you are tempted). What I saw stopped me from getting too "happy" from happy juice, as what I could read of the intro to the message said (and I quote): "Jesus is approaching...." Now, I don't know about you or your faith or your beliefs, but I looked at Dave with a little bit of fear in my eyes, and I began to wonder if I should cancel the colonoscopy altogether. I mean, if Jesus is approaching...... I had to do it. I had to open the whole message, which was directly from DoorDash, saying that "Jesus" (likely pronounced "Hey-soos", but no matter) was approaching my dad's rehab facility with the Crumbl cookies I had sent. WOWEE!! I started giggling and could not stop. I trust that the surgical center has heard many strange reactions to the drugs they give you, but this was PERFECT for making sure I take care to not make assumptions before reading the whole text. I invite you to share your best communication (or miscommunication) stories with me. Happy Communicating! Shelly Today is judgement day. Okay, hang on. No freaking out. Please don't start trying to get your affairs in order. Just keep reading so you can hear me out. It is judgement day for me, because I need it. I have had a LOT of things going on in my life lately that are either connected....or not. Actually, it doesn't matter. All I know is I feel like I have been dealing with a lot of health related issues, work craziness, and a ton of students who I am mentoring in graduate courses, as student teachers, or through their doctorate as they work on their dissertations. Aside from a couple of weighty (no pun intended, but I wouldn't mind losing about 15 pounds) health scares/issues lately, most of the things I have been dealing with are pretty great. Work for me is not taxing except when I make it that way. In other words I find myself over-committing to work, either by accepting too many consulting jobs or taking on too many graduate courses to teach or even by accepting too many student teachers to watch/supervise each semester. What happens when I take on too much? The scales seem to tip in the direction of having too little time to keep me spiritually fit, to keep me patient with my dear loved ones (yes, even the hubby and dogs I miss so much when I am traveling for work) or stressing about getting prepared for the next job. Does that cause health problems? I don't know if it causes them, but I sure know it can't help. What I have found is when I am working too hard or worrying too much (or "borrowing trouble", as my beautiful spiritual advisor reminds me), I begin looking outward at what is wrong around me instead of focusing on how I can heal myself. Since I broke my wrist in July, I had talked about the need to slow down, which I am not positive I did such a hot job of doing, and I believe it has taken its toll on my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health. When I am not on my healthy "game", I tend to face outward about the problems in my life. The consequence of that is I can get snippy and even rude to people I don't even know or people I love. One such example was writing a nasty-gram to a property "host" we were going to use to rent a place in Tucson for a month in the winter. He did a really poor job of communicating the full cost of what we were going to pay, and Dave and I got frustrated. Even after we were "over it" and done and knew we weren't going to rent one of his properties, I felt the need to take a dig at his miscommunication. While I thought my sarcastic remark about his lack of respect, honesty, or professionalism was likely "true", it was something I don't believe God called me to do. In church today, I heard a few truths that I needed to hear and ponder on for a little bit. I'd like to share those with you, as they might help you as well if you find yourself in the same judgement boat as I was in.
What is it that gets under your skin? How do you remain steadfast in your journey to be a good and faithful servant? Please share your stories and insights with me. Happy Communicating, Shelly Several weeks ago, I broke my wrist bone....first broken bone ever. Since that time, and even since I got the cast off a couple of weeks ago, I have learned so much I should already know about slowing down. As I get older, in general, I can't run through the airport at breakneck speed to catch a connecting flight like I used to. Having the knowledge of that and having the ability to not try to do it anyway are two vastly different things. Couple the age factor, though, with the broken arm, and I am slowly learning to slow down...and ask for help when needed.
Dave will likely be the first one to tell you that I do not ask for help, readily. For years, we have watched that video showing the little girl who does not want help putting on her seatbelt. Wowee, she reminds me of myself. But the fact of the matter is: we all need help sometimes. Lifting my bag into the overhead bin on the airplane would be next to impossible without the use of my right hand and arm, but it is such a simple gift for someone to simply put it up there for me, especially when they happen to be 6 inches (or more) taller than me (not a hard feat, as many of you know). I just have to remind myself that it might take me an extra minute (or 5) to get settled or to board a flight in the first place. And don't get me started on trying to get all the training materials I need (plus the obligatory and oh-so-critical diet coke) out of the car each morning I am traveling for work. What horrendous thing might happen if I had to take two trips into the school? But nooooooo....... I catch myself trying to be a packmule and then spilling diet coke on the front of my dress (while the front office secretary tries to convince me you "really can't see it that much"). Ugggghhhh..... Sometimes, though, God simply tells me in no uncertain terms that I will (no maybe about it) slow down. For me, that mandate typically comes in the form of some type of COVID or other virus/flu. That happened last week. I had gotten home from one state and was going to travel to Houston two days later to train, and I got knocked on my behind by fever, chills, fatigue, cough, and other "not-necessary-to-mention-in-this-blog-but-suffice-it-to-say-they-weren't-great" symptoms. Dave took me to Urgent Care where the doctor told me he was going to write me a "get-out-of-work" note. Dave laughed, and said, "She doesn't have anyone that is going to need that....except HER!" The doctor told me to get some rest, and I'll be honest----I really didn't have a choice----rest was literally all I could do. I did end up (with Dave accompanying me, by the grace of God) being able to travel up to Wyoming for a few days of training, while also getting a chance to drive around and walk in some pretty areas of the mountains and forests. God definitely has a sense of humor, especially when I try to do things in my own time (see above "breakneck speed"). Sometimes, time has a way of simply slowing down FOR me and even allowing me to write a short blog since I have been remiss in doing so for a few weeks. What are the benefits of slowing down? For me, they include: *being grateful *remembering to pray *remembering what's important *getting healthy How about you? Hurry up (just kidding) and comment on my post to let me know your best "slow down" story and/or advice. Happy Communicating! Shelly Does life throw us curveballs we find frustrating? For sure! I guess I should just speak for myself, but I know I have my share of annoyances, bumps in the road, flight delays, etc. This past week, I was working in upstate New York on changing the culture in a small school district with really great administrators who are committed to help their teacher become better and alter the culture of their schools and their district for the better. Dave (my dear husband of 31 years as of August 1st) came with me because I broke my wrist a few weeks ago in Cabo (I wish I had a more exciting story to tell besides the fact that I broke my fall down three steps off the tee box on the golf course). I can type (but my wrist starts aching pretty seriously after a few minutes) but my handwriting is pretty atrocious. I'm not allowed to lift anything, lest the fracture gets displaced any further and we have to look at surgery----no thanks. I've learned how to do so many things with my left hand that it's never had the opportunity to do as the right arm gets center-stage. The thought of traveling by myself was a little daunting, but the real truth is the weather in Texas has been over 100 degrees for the past few weeks, so I didn't figure it would hurt Dave's feelings too much to head north for a week. Suffice it to say, Dave literally became my right-hand man the entire trip, and he now has another jewel added to his angel crown for all he did for me. He lugged all the luggage (including his golf clubs, of course---what's a guy supposed to do while his wife works during the day, anyway?); he helped wash my hair; he learned how to dry my hair; he cut up my food (yes, seriously), and so much more. In addition to doing all the THINGS for me, Dave has always helped me in more ways than I can list, including modeling how to catch flies with honey. He is most definitely a charmer, and he has taught me how to ask nicely for upgrades in hotels, for one. Yes, I could say, "I'm a Hilton Diamond member; be sure you give me an upgrade", but that would likely not work as well as Dave's line, "Diamond status gets us the Penthouse Suite, right?" with an adorable smile. Simply asking specifically for what we want is something Dave has taught me how to do. Notice I said "asking", not "demanding". I think there is a huge difference. The same holds true for having status on the airline to which I have been loyal for over 10 years. I always tell people that every single airline is going to have weather or maintenance delays, but stay true and loyal to an airline and they will stay loyal to you. If a flight is so delayed I am going to miss my connecting flight, I already have a new boarding pass along with hotel and food vouchers (if necessary) ready and waiting for me when I exit the plane. But it is no surprise that air travel is one of those things that aggravates people to the point of sometimes simply blowing up. You don't have to search too long on the internet to find examples of people getting kicked off airplanes for being rude to the flight attendants or even other passengers. Yesterday was a prime example. Since I paid for my airline ticket and bought Dave's ticket with miles, they couldn't tie us together in such a way that it would put him on the upgrade list for 1st class. As a frequent traveler, I got bumped up to 1st class on three out of four of our flights. However, a 1st class seat does me no good without my "right hand man". Plus, we want to watch Netflix shows together, so I'd rather sit back a few rows but together than sit by myself in 1st class. On two of the three flights on which I had been upgraded, we had a gate agent put Dave on the upgrade list (and we both ended up in 1st class on one of the flights). On that flight, we got to the gate and asked the gate agent if she could try to put us together in 1st class so Dave could help me. She was LOVELY (likely because we asked nicely and didn't assume this would be a "given"). After this got resolved, a guy walked up with a beautiful white Great Pyrenees service dog to get in line before the flight boarded. A few feet away, a woman was Facetiming a relative, and she started complaining to her family member how much she hated dogs and how "that dog better not be on our flight". We thought it was pretty apparent the dog was indeed going to be boarding the flight. The already irate lady started cussing about letting "damn animals" on planes. Okay, I get it. If you aren't a dog lover, you might not appreciate the absolute beauty of this animal, but it didn't stop there. The woman (who had previously been sitting in a wheelchair but had been walking around while Facetiming with her family member) marched up to the adorable and lovely gate agent to say "That dog better not be on the flight with me". The gate agent assured her, with a precious smile, that the dog was with its handler and shouldn't cause her any problems. The completely out of control lady said, "It can't be on the flight because I am allergic to dogs". The gate agent gave the lady the option of staying on the flight or being booked on the next flight out ( which could, in truth, have 10 dogs on it versus the one on this flight, but I was just watching the show at this point), to which the furious lady said the gate agent had an "attitude" (I've never understood this----doesn't everyone have some type of an attitude?) and "Don't you see I'm disabled? I just walked over here, but my wheelchair is over there". That poor gate agent had to deal with the insanity of the woman and asked her to step aside as we were already in the midst of pre-boarding. I made a point of telling the gate agent how much we appreciated her and told her she was doing an AMAZING job. As Dave and I sat down in our seats, I said, "Wouldn't it have just been easier for the irate woman to simply slow down, take a breath, and then ask if there was an open seat as far apart from the dog as possible? If I were that dog, I feel I would say a big 'Amen' to that solution anyway." Instead of whining about the problem, what might happen if we think ahead about a solution that can wind up being a win/win for everyone? What is an example of this for you? I would love to hear some of your stories. In the meantime, I think honey is on sale at the grocery store this week! Happy Communicating! Shelly airlines gate agent woman rude about dog do what is asked of you by police ask for what you want be specific I know I have mentioned several times that I also teach online graduate courses, but if this is your first time reading my blog, let me catch you up. I teach Educational Leadership courses for online students at one university, and I mentor lots of doctoral students at two other universities (who are writing their dissertations). I adore both types of work, even though they are so different from one another. My masters' level students often get quite surprised by my presence in their discussion threads. I poke my nose in and lurk (definitely not in a creepy way) in a way in which I firmly believe all good teachers should do when their own students are engaged in table group discussions or even partner discussions. Why? Because we simply need to know what is being talked about in order to get the finger on the pulse of what is happening in each of those conversations. Can I hear them all? Of course not, even when I am teaching a face-to-face workshop. However, I think it is one of the most important strategies I can share with novice or pre-service teachers and/or administrators. So, if this is a strategy we expect teachers to use in their classrooms, then principals need to use it when they are listening to conversations between their own teachers in Professional Learning Communities or professional development (PD) opportunities. So, if this is a strategy school leaders should use, then I should be modeling it for them when I teach a face-to-face workshop or an online course. I try to model several types of engagement strategies, discussion techniques, classroom management routines, and methods of building rapport when I teach, as well. I call participants by name (in my online classes, I ask them what they want to be called as names and relationships matter); I use chimes to ring to bring us all back together after a group discussion or activity in in-person PD, and I use multiple engaging techniques specific to the outcomes we are attempting to reach. I always am certain to tell my participants that I don't ring chimes because it is "cute". In fact, I don't do anything because it is "cute". I ring chimes because music tends to cut through even louder group conversations, which allows me to ask people to pause their conversations and come back to their tables and get ready for the next phase of teaching and learning. I, in fact, also tell people that whenever I show a video, it is for a specific purpose. If they need a graphic organizer to help them keep track of what they are gleaning from the video, I try to provide that, as well. Watching a teaching video without a purpose is...well...purposeless. Again, I am trying to model what I think good school leaders should do for teachers, and what teachers should be doing for their students. Recently, I got feedback from a participant in a workshop who said, "I didn't like that she used chimes. It was too childlike." I admit I was shocked. First of all, hadn't I explained the purpose of modeling? As a principal, I used to use puppets every Friday morning for our news show. Libby the Black Lab would tell Mud the Chocolate Lab how she should learn better manners as a growing puppy (thereby teaching the students they should model good manners for one another in the classroom or lunchroom). I had a bald eagle (named Eagle Eye) who would say, in a very professorial-sounding voice (stick with me), "I have SEEN......" and then he would launch into what he was seeing as good or bad examples of leadership around the school. When I talk about the use of those puppets, I always jokingly say, "I think I could have taught the students how to multiply fractions using those puppets as they were typically riveted to the news show, not caring that I am not a masterful puppeteer and my lips would move the whole time." But I also make sure I tell people that not everyone is comfortable using puppets, as a teacher or as an administrator (I'm so wacky, I had about 25 different puppets with 25 different personalities and, therefore, 25 different voices and personalities I had to memorize). I always say to use what works for you! If it feels comfortable to YOU, it will feel comfortable for your audience. This little piece of feedback was literally the first time I have ever had someone say something that indicated they felt "belittled" by my use of chimes as a transition tool. I SO badly wish they would have asked about it during the workshop, as I would have turned to the whole group of school leaders and asked, "What do you use to model for your teachers as transition tools they can use in their own classrooms?" I have a hunch I would have heard things like, "I do rhythmic clapping" or "I model the call and response I like to see teachers use like 'All set?' and then the students say 'You bet'." Some might say, "I don't use any gimmicks with my teachers. I just yell at them to get quiet so we can begin our meeting." Ugggh! Let's yell to get people quiet. Wait....what??? Just as those Russian nesting dolls fit so nicely within one another, so I see with modeling what we want to see at the next level of "doll". Whether it is a set of chimes, a silly song, a call and response, or WHATEVER, teachers are watching school leaders, and school leaders (or potential ones) are watching me to see if I am standing and delivering content (versus engaging them in content). It is incumbent upon each one of us to model different strategies for different purposes. Maybe I have mentioned that I am a perfectionist. While most all the other feedback from that session was extremely positive, I got stuck on that one negative statement. That, indeed, is precisely the type of negative thinking that I encourage people to avoid, by the way. "Do not let 5% of the group take up 95% of your time", whether that time is physical or mental. So, I'm posting about it to get it off my chest and be done with it. :) So, what do you model for your own children, students, teachers, or others with whom you work? I can't wait to hear your thoughts. Happy Communicating!! Shelly In one of the classes I'm teaching for Educational Leadership at Grand Canyon University, I posed a question about who the students would or could talk to if they found themselves in a position in which they didn't know what to do or how to handle a particular school situation. One of my students spoke of the "tribe" she uses to bounce ideas off of. Several of us have posted responses to her practice. I am so blessed to have several tribes with whom I use for different situations in life.
Professional In presenting to teachers, school leaders, and university professionals all over the world, I have been so happy to find people with whom I can co-present, people who I go to for new ideas on presenting strategies, administrators who network with me and continue to become true friends and comrades in this education journey. I tell new teachers and administrators to "stick with the winners" and only go to those people for advice. Some people in education (any profession, also, of course) can get burnt out and share their burnt out feelings. Who needs that? Spiritual When faced with a situation in which I'm feeling resentful, discouraged, or troubled by worry, I have a tribe of spiritual advisors and fellow travelers who are still making their way through situations that used to baffle me. We can discuss our journeys, give each other advice and not be offended in the least if the person decides to go a different direction (after all, it is not my business to "grade" someone on the choices they make, only to be there to support). I am blessed to have a new tribe member, who I call my spiritual guru. She has saved my butt a couple of times in the past couple of years, and I am eternally grateful. Denise, you are my guru, but I promise not to put you on a pedestal! Lifetime friends Dave makes fun of me because I tell so many people "I love you". You know why I do that? Because I love so many people. I know better than to share every single secret in my life with every single person, but I still love and cherish the relationships I have with so many friends from so many different seasons of my life. Let me preface this by saying I went to 8 different schools in my 12 years of K-12 schooling. I still have managed to stay friends with Tricia, my bestie from 4th - 6th grade. I also am still EXTREMELY close to my rock and cornerstone best friend from high school, Denise. She and her family even vacation with Dave and me once every other year to Cabo San Lucas. We're doing it right now, by the way! Robin and Kelly were my best friends in college; we were in each others' weddings, and we now get together at least twice a year (husbands are allowed to come for the summer trip). We have a group of 8 or 9 of us from Trinity who gather together every year and we group text. We have seen each other through cancer, divorce, becoming grandmas, and always so much laughter (and crying because we are laughing so hard). The guys have simply resigned themselves to the notion that you can't contain this joy, so they no longer try. All of these friends are near and dear to me and are unique in each way we value our friendship. What about you? Who is in your tribe? And for what reasons do they stay there? Happy Communicating (in and out of your tribe), Shelly A dear spiritual advisor of mine once (or maybe 100 times) told me that it was none of my business what others think about me. I hear the words; I comprehend the words; I can spell those words; but no matter what, I still often worry what other people think about me. Part of it, quite honestly, is the nature of my work. I teach every one of the Educational Leadership courses at a couple of universities (at varying times, of course; not all at the same time). I care so much about the reputations of my students when they become school leaders that I am often tough on their spelling and grammar they use in their writing. I also pretty strictly adhere to the rubrics on which each assignment is graded. I frequently will have a student tell me in the first week or so of the course that I am "ruining" their 4.0 GPA because I "gave" them an A- on a paper. I want to say "Oh brother! Just wait until a parent comes to your office with a memo you wrote that contains multiple writing errors to say, 'You are the principal of an elementary school where my child is supposed to be learning how to write correctly, and you can't even check over your work??' Then tell me how much that A really mattered." The problem is that grading is hard work. Giving feedback is only hard if it is done well- substantively, timely, and purposefully. As I was getting ready to deplane my first flight this morning on my way to go work with administrators on building a culture of trust in their schools, I happened to glance down at a passenger's phone. He was looking at his Inbox on his email, and there looked to be 100s (!) of unread emails. I almost started sweating and twitching, wanting to take that thing out of his hand and help him organize his emails into folders.....but shoot!! the name of my blog is "mind my own business", so....ummm....that wouldn't be good, would it? You see, it freaks me out because that is not how I operate, but that very likely works for him. If my Inbox has one email in it, I have to DO something with it---put something on the calendar, put the email in a folder, or return the email, etc. But that is how I operate----what he does is his business, not mine (despite the fact that I was having palpitations about it). On the flipside, I have a rather obsessive need to grade my students' papers within 24 hours after they are due at 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday night. This is not a requirement; this is not even close to being an expectation by the university, but it is my business. I feel strongly that my students need quick feedback that is content and writing specific within a day so they can begin to work on next week's assignments. I even believe that this is modeling for future school leaders what teachers need in their own teaching----frequent coaching and feedback sessions in which teachers are able to reflect on their own teaching. Maybe the student in each class who is mad at me for ruining their GPA doesn't say anything, but the end-of-course evaluations tend to indicate that students really appreciate the feedback. I keep in touch with my students, sometimes long after I have had them in class. I've been blessed to go to lunch or dinner with students from a course I taught at my alma mater three years ago just to keep in touch. One of my students called me the other day to tell me she had just been offered (and she accepted, of course) a job as an Assistant Principal. She wanted to thank me for some advice I had given the class two years ago! Wait! Dave doesn't even remember something I told him last week, and you remember my advice from two years ago??? (Just kidding---Dave hangs on my every word, I'm sure!) So, the way I do things and the way you do things may be totally different, but if it works for us, then that is my business and it is your business to mind our own business. Currently, my business is ensuring that the work I do for these administrators in this school get the best of me and my facilitation tomorrow, so I better make it my business to go catch my next flight. After all, someone in the seat next to me might need my advice on how to organize their mail in their Inbox. Happy Communicating, Shelly Twenty-five years ago, I made a significant change that altered my life pretty much forever. Dave and I had been married for six years and he has been totally supportive of the change. I have been sober and serene for 25 years, as of today.
But wowee, I could not have done it alone. I have had the perfect spiritual advisor (I call them sponsors) for each season of these years....as they gave me exactly what I needed just when I needed it. My first sponsor, Margaret, walked me through the steps, and she never (not once) would have co-signed my bull-crap. She moved years later to another state, and I had to find someone else to guide me. Ugghhhh....have I mentioned I do not love change most of the time? Ellie, however, was like Mother Earth to me.....it seemed all the woodland creatures gathered around her, and I was blessed to be one of them. She loved fiercely, and she had an amazing story. She passed away a couple of years ago, but before she passed away, Dave and I had moved to Tucson, where I found a pretty lovely lady who sponsored me for awhile. Lisa has a heart of gold, and is always trying to better herself and grabs onto healthy habits that I tried to emulate many times. Moving back to my homeland of Texas and building the home of our dreams was so much fun, but it was also pretty stressful stepping into new situations and not actually getting to do what I truly believed I was going to do once we moved here. I needed a sponsor and spiritual advisor who would listen to my honest story of where I was in my sometimes lack of serenity and confidence. Denise has been my rock, and I am so very blessed that she happens to go to the same church Dave and I go to. She reminds me that when I worry about "stuff", I am simply "borrowing trouble", and wow! she is exactly what I need right now, as I begin my 26th year of sobriety. She had an amazing career, and she helps me understand how, despite how VERY important my career still is to me, that is what I do....it is not solely who I am. I am so much more than what I do.....but I still have trouble separating ME from MY CAREER. I am such a people pleaser because I truly care what my university students think about me, and I will bust my ass to help any one of them who shows the desire to grow as well. My theory is "Once my student (at the master's level, doctoral level, or any of my students or workshop participants I've ever taught in my life)....always my student". I love keeping in touch with my students, and all I can think is that I would never be able to do what I do (teaching Educational Leadership students, doctoral students, or teachers/principals all over the world) without the support of all the mentors I have had in my life who have helped me continue to grow. I continue to want to learn right along with any of my "students"----I'll hop on a webinar with students who want to do a book study; I'll talk with teachers' unions about their concerns about observations and evaluations they worry will be done in a "gotcha" format; I'll answer questions my students have at 5:00 in the morning because I know what it is like to be immobilized if you don't know what to do next on an assignment that will be due in two days; and I will discuss and debate with people who have misconceptions about how amazing public school is and how teachers are doing their darndest with so much flack from people who often don't understand what they are doing and what they are really doing to help students of today become adults of tomorrow who Dave and I would be proud to have taking care of us in whatever assisted living facility (or maybe even at our home---please?) we wind up, someday. Am I proud? Yes, AND I am humbled. For me, it's not an either/or deal. In the past 25 years, I've experienced some of the most amazing parts of my life (other than meeting and marrying Dave, of course, which happened 6 or 7 years before that), but quite honestly, we've weathered some of the most challenging aspects of our lives in these past 25 years as well: I've lost my mom; I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy (and oophorectomy, and....and....and....just because it was estrogen-fed); we've lost Dave's mom and dad; we've lost some of the best Labrador Retrievers to cancer and other issues; and I've recently lost one of the dearest soul-sisters I've ever had in my entire life...BUT, despite all of that (and so much more), I have a fellowship of fellow travelers who are walking this path with me (some have not made it; others have opted to go out and do some more research for those of us who stick around). I am grateful....forever grateful. Next Sunday, we will become members of the Episcopal church we have been attending in Boerne, Texas (about 30 minutes away from our dream home we built in the hill country of Texas about 18 months ago), and I cannot seem to quit getting teary-eyed when I think of how grateful I am for finding a church home in which we worship, sing, listen to amazing sermons, and then talk about the service for the next week. That, to Dave and me, is pretty much the epitome of what it means to worship. Have I mentioned I am grateful? Our two Labs, L.C. and Kirby, are living their best life as they get to run off-leash most always twice a day----chasing deer, armadillos, turkey, and each other. When I am not traveling for work, I get to sit in the backyard and listen to the birds (and silence; there is always silence), go to noon meetings, read books for pleasure, and see some of the best friends I've ever had (getting together with Denise and Mike and going on double-dates (even if they are to Cabo San Lucas) sure doesn't suck) and having my Texas family (including my almost-5 -year-old niece) close enough that my niece can stay the night with us and curl up and watch Scooby-Doo and eat popcorn with M&Ms is pretty special. Yep, life is pretty damn good. I could complain about the traffic on 1604 but life is way too good!! Quite honestly, life is only this beautiful because of this 25 year milestone. I'm by no means perfect, but life is pretty perfect. I pray it is for you, too! Happy Communicating! Shely |
Shelly ArnesonCategories |